When It is Hard

TV this time of year is hit or miss, but my husband and I didn't feel like starting a new movie last night, so we ended up watching CBS's Mike and Molly last night.

Last night's episode really hit home for me. Mike was celebrating at the beginning of the episode because, after months of exercise and dieting, he could fit into his "flu pants" (kind of like a woman's skinny pants). 

Then he went out to lunch with his partner, and ate a piece of apple pie. With ice cream.

He hopped on the scale the next day, and sure enough, he had gained five pounds.

He then did what every dieter across the universe does - he got upset with himself, didn't eat all day, and felt guilty.

When his partner tries to call him on it, he says. "How can eating 10 ounces of pie add five pounds of weight?" He cannot be convinced to eat, and ends up grumpy, lashing out at a co-worker (who, admittedly, deserved it), and gets suspended from work for a few days.

At the end of the episode, he tells Molly, "It's so hard. I have to work at this every day. When does it stop? When do I get to eat without thinking about every calorie I put in my mouth?"

Molly answers, "I don't know. Yes, it's hard, but we're going to get through this together. Look how far you've come! You can do this!"

[Note: I am reciting this dialogue by memory, so I know that I didn't get every word correct, but you get the gist.]

Isn't that how we all feel about our weight? Unless you are young, and have incredible metabolism, getting to your goal weight and staying there is really, really tough.

Every day, something new pops up in my Facebook feed about why you can't lose the weight, or ten mistakes every dieter makes, or what does it really take to get six-pack abs.

And I read (almost) every one of them. I can't help myself. I want to know if I am making some mistake that, when corrected, will somehow magically make ten pounds melt off my body.

The answer is always no, I am doing most of the right things (other than my sugar addiction). But that isn't going to change this month (hello, birthday!) or probably not ever.

Perhaps I am still eating too much (even with using MyFitnessPal). Perhaps I don't move enough, outside my thrice-weekly exercise class, and occasional power walks around the neighborhood.

But that is not the point.

The point is, I, like Mike, sometimes feel like it is just too hard. It is too hard to record every calorie I eat. It is too hard to work out really, really hard, and not see numbers go down. Or to see some numbers go down, but some go up (our trainer explained that it has to do with how much cardio (weight loss) you do versus how much strength training (body fat percentage) you do, but it still is frustrating). It is too hard that there's always someone else who has a better chest/waist/thighs/abs than you. It's too hard that some people can lose weight easily when you have to fight for each pound lost. It's too hard to prepare healthy meals when you work long hours, then take your child to a sports practice or game, music lesson, Scouts, theater, tae kwon do, dance or another activity that makes a home-cooked dinner at home that night a laughable concept. It's too hard when you just need to lose 10 pounds, and it's too hard when you need to lose 100 pounds and have no idea how to get started.

You can get bogged down really fast about nutrition. Here are some things I have seen in the last month:

• Caffeine is good for revving up your metabolism (unless you're like me, and caffeine makes you jittery and crazy), but only if you stick with green tea or plain coffee - no sugar, or fattening milk, or syrups (have you seen the calorie count on Starbucks' frappes?).
• Fat-free foods aren't good for you, because by taking out the fat, they have to add in a lot of sugar and preservatives to make it palatable, so it's better to eat a little of the full-fat rather than a lot of the non-fat (but evidently not in your coffee).
• Fruit is good (but only if you eat it with a protein, and not late at night, because it is full of sugars). 
• You need healthy oils and fats (but what those are vary depending on who you're asking, and you have to figure out the ideal serving size, because eating too much negates its benefits). 
• Fish is great (unless you're talking tuna or another big fish, which is good for you, but if you eat too much, you're getting too much mercury in your diet). 
• Green juice is super-healthy, if you make it yourself, but store-bought has too many sugars.
• Smoothies can be healthy, but often are just calorie bombs with too much sugar and not enough nutrients. The same applies to granola bars, protein bars and other "healthy" snacks. 
• And speaking of snacks, those 100-calorie packs that are so convenient to pick up and eat on the run are just empty calories with no nutritional value. 
• Yogurt is good, unless it has a lot of added sugar (which is most of the flavored yogurts), so you're better off buying the plain kind and adding in fresh fruits and granola. 
• Cereal is bad, too, so I hope you have enough time to prepare steel-cut oats with fresh fruit every morning, or make a smoothie with spinach and fruit, using coconut water or almond milk, and some protein powder.

Are you confused (and exhausted) yet? My friends and I are. Who has time to research all these different methods? Who has time to make healthy meals each and every day? Who has the time to prepare something healthy for you, and maybe your spouse, and something else for your kids, who will NOT be satisfied with a kale salad with beets and vinaigrette? Who has the money to buy all the fresh fruits and vegetables, plus the expensive blender and juicer, plus the supplements?

You try so hard, and work so hard, and still, you're don't feel you measure up.

Some of this feeling of not measuring up is in our heads. As I said in my last blog post, I want women and men to feel good about themselves just the way they are. If your self-esteem is not healthy, then you will never be happy with the way you look. You have to believe that you are beautiful just as you are, even when you are "in progress," and we are all always "in progress."

Some of this is our constant exposure to the media. We see "perfect" movie/TV/music stars and believe that we can achieve that level of beauty/fitness/success. Of course, we don't see the work they do, the things they deny themselves, the personal trainers and chefs, and the Photoshop that cleans up their skin and erases away an inch off their waists. We look at fitness magazines, and have no clue the work it took to get the model to look like that (not to mention the good genes). We think, if I just work out a little harder, I will get a six-pack of abs like that model!

Those who know me know that I am not a health or fitness nut. I love my ice cream, and chocolate, and bread, and pasta... Plus, my genes dictate that any extra weight I gain goes to my midsection. I think even if I ate "perfectly" for a year, there would be no danger of me ever having six-pack abs. 

So when it is hard, when you feel like you will never get the results you want, what do you do?

One, evaluate your goals. Are they reasonable? For me, getting six-pack abs probably is not reasonable. But getting my waist size, weight and body fat percentage down to the healthy range is.

Two, evaluate your progress. Even if you are just inching along, you are on your way. There might be a way to speed up your progress, or you might just have to be patient. Either way, you will get there.

Three, love yourself on the journey. Realize that being healthy is not a short-term goal, but rather a life-long process.

Four, support one another. Find friends who will encourage you and celebrate your successes. Find friends who want the same thing you do, and work towards those goals together.

Five, just keep swimming. Dory in Finding Nemo is my role model for this one. When it's hard, tell yourself, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming." If you keep going, you will be one step closer to your goal.

Six, know you will have "cheat" days. Or weeks. I, for one, plan to enjoy my birthday, and my vacation coming up in a few weeks.

My mindset is different than it used to be, though. I may enjoy some cake, and cookies, and fried seafood. But I also will enjoy a long, brisk walk on the beach every day, and some simple exercises with my fitness band. I won't mindlessly eat between meals, and will weigh each food choice. And when I get back home, I will start eating smart again. I won't punish myself for that week of fun; I will just pick up where I left off, and keep on swimming toward my goals!

Feeling Good about Yourself

This is what I'm wearing today --

Cute, right?

No, it isn't a special occasion. It is a typical Wednesday. It's hot outside, so I wanted to wear something cool. But I also wanted to wear something that makes me feel good. This jumpsuit makes me feel pretty, and I am sure I walk taller and smile more when I wear it.

It has been bugging me recently that people see "dressing up" as being something you only do on special occasions or for work or because you have to, rather than want to, look nice.

My mother always tells me, "if you look pretty, you feel pretty." And, as with many things, she is right.

When she says "feel pretty," she doesn't mean pretty in a superficial way. She means pretty, as in comfortable in your skin, confident, and happy.  I didn't always agree with her when I was younger, but I certainly do now.

People frequently ask me where I work. When I say I am a SAHM, they usually look confused and say, "But you look so nice!"

Good to know that part of being a SAHM is looking slovenly.

And before I get a lot of emails from parents who say, "this is ridiculous, because anything nice I wear immediately is ruined by dirty hands, mouths and other parts of a toddler," I totally admit that my one and only child is now 7, and (for the most part), doesn't wipe his face or hands on my person.

If you have young kids, or plan to spend the day working in the backyard, or painting, or otherwise doing something messy, then wearing something nice isn't a good idea.

But if your child or children are 4 years old or older, and your plan for the day is to wander around Target in a pair of ratty shorts and a t-shirt that is older than your children, you might want to consider a change.

There is nothing wrong with wearing old, comfortable clothes, or dressing casually, per se. But most people stand up a little taller and feel better about themselves if they are wearing something that is special, makes them feel pretty, and fits well.

I'm going to pick on my sister-in-law, who always looks cute, but told me the other day that she has maxidresses hanging in her closet she doesn't wear because she never goes anywhere dressy. I told her to wear them around town, running errands, or for girl's night out with her friends. I'm not sure if she thought I was crazy, or if that was a good idea, but I know she isn't the only person who thinks that way. Those poor maxidresses. They just want to be worn!

Someone at my high school reunion a couple of years ago said she had to go shopping before that weekend because all she ever wore anymore were yoga pants. Really?? I know they're comfortable, but nothing else??? Yoga pants every day, plus something nice to wear to church on Sundays, but nothing in between? And she's not the only one. There are several people I see around town who seem to wear nothing but exercise clothing. It's obviously not because they've just finished a workout, because the clothes aren't sweaty, they're wearing makeup and their hair looks flawless. They've just chosen to wear spandex and sweat-wicking clothing to go grocery shopping.

Another argument I hear a lot is, "I don't want to buy anything now, not at the size I'm in. I want to lose some weight. Then I'll buy new clothes." Not buying it, ladies. Buy a few things now that make you feel special. Actually, I think feeling good about myself makes me MORE likely to workout and eat better. You can use that size as a motivational tool, if you want, but far more healthy is to not worry about the size on the label but rather focus on how that clothing makes you feel and how good you look in it!

I am no skinny minnie. I have been working out and trying to eat better, and have seen some positive changes in my body. But I also have realized that I need to be happy with myself RIGHT NOW. That doesn't mean that I don't keep working towards my fitness and weight loss goals, but that I don't have to achieve some big goal to have "made it." And a few pieces of new clothing that fit well and make me feel good is worth every penny.

Am I advocating we go back to the days when women went everywhere in a dress or matching suit and heels? Absolutely not. Am I saying to go buy uncomfortable clothing or shoes just because they look nice? Again, no.

There is a middle ground here.  A cute maxidress, t-shirt dress, jumpsuit or romper is just as comfortable and cool as a t-shirt and shorts (actually, I'd argue a t-shirt dress is more comfy on a hot day, because it doesn't touch much of your body). If dresses aren't your thing, there are tons of cute tees, shorts and casual skirts available that look stylish and sophisticated, rather than worn out and messy. I admit I am a girly girl when it comes to clothes and jewelry, and my style may not be yours.

What I would like to see is women embracing their inner beauty, wearing clothing that makes them feel good and pretty, and walking down the street (or the aisles of Target), with a smile on their faces that says they are happy in their skin.