The Red Apron

When I first moved to Alamance County, a friend took me to a really cool event called the Holly Days Bazaar. It was a fundraiser for a local women's organization, the Alamance County Service League. The women in the Service League were running around in these red aprons with big smiles on their faces. They looked like women I would like to know. But, at the time, I had a job, a new house to paint and fix up, and I was told that you had to be nominated by a current member to join. I didn't know any members. So I put that desire aside.

Several years later, I had my son, and had become an (accidental) stay-at-home mom. I knew a few members of the Alamance County Service League (ACSL), and I knew that their good work did not end with Holly Days, but that their members also did a lot of volunteer hours for non-profits in the community. I wanted to be a part of this great organization, and found someone to nominate me. I was in! I would get to wear that red apron next November!

(As an aside, it actually sounds a lot more daunting than it is to become a member. If you have the heart of a volunteer and the time to give, then we want you! We just have to know you are interested. Talk to me, and I can make sure your application is submitted for next year's class.)

I could tell you all the good things that ACSL does for the community, and that would be a great blog post. But today, I want to talk about what ACSL did for me.

If you've read my earlier blog posts, you know that my son's first few years were not easy ones. He was (and is) the happiest kid around, but he had motor skill delays and migraines and a whole lot of doctor and therapist visits. While I had wonderful friends, some in town and others across the state and country, who supported me and loved me, I needed some friends who were available on weekdays at 10 a.m. for library story time, or 1 p.m. to talk while my son napped, or to hang out with during the day at the park.

Sometimes, a friend just falls in your lap and they're the perfect friend you need at that time. But most of the time, you have to search for friends. You have to reach out again and again, and sometimes fail to make a connection. It can be very disheartening.

I made a couple of friends at library time who had sons the same age as mine, but they both moved away (and if you are reading this, guys, I missed you!). As I said in an earlier post, baby play dates had bombed because my son wasn't meeting his gross motor milestones. His play school was great, but many of the moms there worked as well, and had grandparents picking up their kids. So I really did feel alone.

ACSL filled that need for adult conversation and support for me. Not all of my ACSL friends have young children (or children at all). Some have grown children, and now have the time to volunteer in the community. But no matter where they are in life, they have a heart for volunteering. While delivering Meals on Wheels, we get to talk about our days (and get lost a million times, even with the detailed directions we are given). While making meals at Good Shepherd Kitchen, we get to talk about what we like to cook at home, and what is going on in our lives, with our kids, and how we feel pulled thin with all of the commitments we have, from sports to church to dance and music lessons. While buying gifts for Christmas Cheer or Alamance ElderCare clients, we get to talk about our family's holiday traditions and that we feel that perhaps, just maybe, our kids are getting too much for Christmas and how we can teach them that giving is better than receiving. It is great to have people to share your hopes and fears with, to laugh with, and to be helping your community while doing it.

I finally got to wear that red apron at Holly Days, and you know, it felt as good as I thought it would. Especially as year two and three in the ACSL rolled around, and I got to know more people. By this year, year six, I was an old hand. Donning that red apron and serving with my friends is one of the highlights of the holiday season for me. This year, one of my jobs was to be a greeter. I got to open the door and say, "Good morning! Welcome! We're so glad you're here!" as people walked in, and "Good bye! Hope you have a great weekend! It looks like you got some great deals! Enjoy your lasagna! Enjoy those baked goods!" as people left. It was a joyful experience.

Now I feel like I am really part of my community, thanks to ACSL. It feels good to run into someone you know almost every time you go to Target. It feels good to know who to call when I want to go roller skating, and who would be a good friend to call when I need decorating help, and who is the perfect person for venting about a problem at my child's school. It also feels good to tell others about the non-profits in the county that could use some help. It feels good to tell someone who to call to volunteer for Meals on Wheels, or recommend that their group volunteer to make a meal for the volunteers at Open Door Clinic.

What ACSL meant to me most of all was the opportunity to volunteer, to be involved in our community. But a very close second is what it meant to me personally, as a way to make wonderful friends and be a part of something special. There is a reason we all smile as we don our red aprons at Holly Days. It is a lot of work (ask me about the two-day marathon baking session that culminated in two batches of 24 bar cookies, two pies, and two three-layer cakes), but in the end, we see happy vendors, happy shoppers, and money coming in that goes to help individuals and families in need in our community. We work together to make sure everything looks and runs perfectly that day. We love being together and serving together and knowing we are making a difference.

And even if I don't talk to my ACSL friends every day, I know when I run into one (at Target), we will greet each other with a big smile, maybe even a hug, and be genuinely interested in each other's lives. We have a bond that will continue on for many years. We are sisters.

For another reflection on what ACSL has meant, see my friend/ACSL sister's blog, Sisterhood.

The Gray in Between

There are usually at least two ways of looking at the same issue. Read the scenarios below and see how you view the world.

A young man sets out from his impoverished village in South or Central America with not much more than the clothes on his back and a hope to make it to the United States. He endures days and nights of hiking, sleeping outside, being chased by animals (and perhaps, law enforcement), almost dying of thirst in the desert, but he finally makes it to a small town in the U.S. He takes a job (a lowly job, one that others do not want, but he doesn't mind), and sends back half of his paycheck to his family so they can survive, and perhaps help his younger siblings get an education and not have to go through what he did.

Or...

Another criminal sneaks over the porous U.S.-Mexico border. His well-organized group has been infiltrating the U.S. for months now, bringing in drugs and setting up a network. He will run the drug business from a small U.S. town, flying under the radar. Drug mules will bring in the product once a month, and he will distribute it across his area. He will pay no taxes, will break numerous laws, yet does not fear discovery. He knows that the U.S. is weak on immigration and most likely, he won't get caught.

Another scenario:

If you are poor and rely on help from the government, it just means you haven't tried hard enough. There are jobs, and educational opportunities, and if you keep your nose clean and work hard enough, you will succeed in life. All this governmental support just keeps you from becoming a productive member of society.

Or...

If you're poor, it is through no fault of your own. If you are born poor, you most likely will always be poor, because the world is stacked against you. You come in to school ill-prepared, because, poor you, no one had time to teach you. You don't have the resources to get help if you struggle in school, and you have no role models to look up to, other than sports stars and celebrities. You would like to work to help support your family, but jobs are hard to find. The government needs to help you so you don't starve and have a place to live.

I could repeat this with a number of other scenarios, each seen very differently by different groups of people in our country. Many people see the world as black and white, good and bad, with no regard to extenuating circumstances, individual's stories, or differences of viewpoints. Either you believe as they do, or you are the enemy. There is so much hatred toward "others" who are not like "you and me," without consideration that those "others" are people, too, with hopes and dreams and plans.

I, too, sometimes find myself looking at the world through a selective lens. I see some issues as black and white, just like everyone else. But what I am advocating for today is living in the gray in between.

By "living in the gray in between," I mean seeing the situation as it really is, which (most of the time) is between the two extremes, and making ourselves a bit uncomfortable in the process. There are immigrants who are drug dealers, but there also are immigrants who are just trying to survive, and help their families survive, who (realistically) have no other choice than to break the law and come here to find work. Not every poor person is poor solely because of their choices and actions, but neither are they all blameless for where they find themselves in life.

I find this very important this month, just after Election Day, and just before the holiday season begins. This is a season of hope. Many of us hope for our families to get along, or for us to be able to find the perfect gifts for our loved ones without breaking the bank. But shouldn't we also be hoping for something larger, perhaps for true peace in our world, for healing broken relationships, for lifting up those who are lonely, needy, poor, hungry, and, yes, even angry? Shouldn't we be hoping for a government that functions as it should, rather than one that seems bogged down in special interests, self-serving politicians and back-room deals that benefit the few while hurting the majority?

I confess that I don't have the answers about how to "fix" immigration, poverty, racism, and the other problems we face today. I would not want to be a politician, because I think all my natural optimism and naivety would be beaten out of me within a year. But what I do know is that we have to find a way to live in the gray, and combat the polarization of our country.

I know this is nothing new. Our Founding Fathers had extreme differences in opinion, and some, quite frankly, hated each other. But in the end, they worked through their differences and governed the country (or at least it seems that way). More and more, I don't think that is happening, as politicians feel they have to pander to the extreme wings of their parties, rather than the moderates.

I see this in how John Boehner was vilified by his own party for not being conservative enough and compromising too much. Barack Obama has been accused of the same by his "followers," because he tried to work with Congress to get bills passed.

Um, hello. The last time I checked, both of their jobs was to work WITH each other to help make our nation a better one. No, you're not going to agree with everything the other does. But you find compromises, you meet in the middle, and you try to keep our country running. That is YOUR JOB as a politician, not to fight with each other and score points. I find it very troubling that politicians on both sides want a leader that "votes OUR way, no matter what," rather than a leader who knows how to forge a compromise that benefits both parties, and, most importantly, the American people.

Another part of the problem is the 24-hour news cycle, and the proliferation of not only legitimate (somewhat unbiased) media outlets, but also the unapologetically biased media sources, such as bloggers and radio hosts that often share only one side, their side, of the story. Even venerated news sources such as newspapers, network TV stations and news magazines come with a bias, even if it is in choosing what to cover and what to highlight in a day's news cycle.

We listen to the talking head of our choosing, and regurgitate the sound bytes he/she says. We are not really researching an issue, reading viewpoints from both sides, and coming to our own conclusion. We post things on Facebook without doing the due diligence a good reporter would do, and then our friends and family (and then their friends, then their friends) pass on information that is not entirely true, or perhaps even completely false.

I have been trying to read articles/online posts from both sides of different issues, and what I see in the comments is depressing. Where our Founding Fathers argued eloquently about their positions, people now use incorrect grammar (or no punctuation at all, which horrifies my journalism-degree self), state opinions as fact, and call each other names. Ask most of those commenters to actually back up what they are saying, and they can't. Counter their arguments with facts that prove they are wrong, and they either ignore you or keep shouting (literally or figuratively) what they believe.

So what does it mean to live in "the gray in between?"

1. Put ourselves in each other's shoes. If you believe illegal immigrants are ruining our country, go talk to someone who works with immigrants and hear their stories. If you are on the other end of the spectrum politically, talk to law enforcement and hear their stories of gangs, drugs and violence that have increased with the increase of immigrants. Don't just listen to the voices that agree with you. Have a (civil) conversation with someone who believes differently than you. Look at people as humans, not "the others" that "aren't like me." Every person has a story.
   
2. Stop thinking about only what is best for yourself, but what is best for your city/state/country. Too often we make decisions solely on how we will be affected. We live in a country that values taking care of yourself first, and if other people are bothered by your noise/yard decorations/choices, too bad for them. But when we follow my first suggestion, and listen to each other's stories, it is harder to do what is best for ourselves if we know it will harm others. Notice I said "harm," not "offend." There is a big difference there, which leads me to my next point.
   
3. Stop being offended by the small stuff. Honestly, y'all, is anyone else laughing at the Starbucks cup fiasco and the mall Santa/holiday display at SouthPark Mall in Charlotte? How in the world did people jump from "the cup is red with no background graphics" to "the cup is denying the Christ in Christmas?" How do people go so far to be inclusive that they make a futuristic light display and pod a stand-in for traditional holiday decorations and expect that people aren't going to react negatively? Let's face it: our country is NOT all Christian. We have Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, Wiccans, agnostics, atheists, and those who would deny all of that categorization. When someone says "Happy Holidays," they are not trying to offend you, they are trying to INCLUDE you and everyone else. If someone says, "Merry Christmas" to you and you're not a Christian, they aren't trying to convert you or offend you, they are JUST BEING NICE.
   
4. Be respectful. Especially online. Oh my goodness, especially online. If you wouldn't say it to my face, don't put it in a comment. If your mother would box your ears if she heard you say it, keep that thought in your mind and don't say it out loud. You don't have to agree with me, but you do owe me the courtesy of being respectful.
   
5. Understand that just because you came to a certain conclusion does not mean you get to speak for your city/racial group/religious affiliation/etc. You can be a Christian, and believe that heaven is for everyone, or you can believe that heaven is only for those who are "saved," or something in between the two. None of those beliefs are right or wrong; they are your opinion. You are welcome to discuss such things respectfully (going back to #4) with others, and share why you believe what you believe, but you do not have the right to say that because someone believes differently than you that they don't get to be in "your" group.
   
6. Be okay with not winning. Not winning the argument, not being able to tell others that they're wrong, not patting yourself on the back for being right. Live in uncertainty. Live your life doing what you think is right for you, and let others choose their own paths. Be okay with saying, "This is the right decision for me, and if you'd like to discuss it and see if it is the right decision for you, then I am open to doing so. But if you still feel the same way you did after we talk, then we can be friends anyway, because I like you for you, not for how you feel about ______." Be humble. 

I know I am the eternal optimist, thinking that we could change the country's attitude with a little more understanding and compassion. But I will keep throwing starfish back in the sea and hoping.