The Red Apron

When I first moved to Alamance County, a friend took me to a really cool event called the Holly Days Bazaar. It was a fundraiser for a local women's organization, the Alamance County Service League. The women in the Service League were running around in these red aprons with big smiles on their faces. They looked like women I would like to know. But, at the time, I had a job, a new house to paint and fix up, and I was told that you had to be nominated by a current member to join. I didn't know any members. So I put that desire aside.

Several years later, I had my son, and had become an (accidental) stay-at-home mom. I knew a few members of the Alamance County Service League (ACSL), and I knew that their good work did not end with Holly Days, but that their members also did a lot of volunteer hours for non-profits in the community. I wanted to be a part of this great organization, and found someone to nominate me. I was in! I would get to wear that red apron next November!

(As an aside, it actually sounds a lot more daunting than it is to become a member. If you have the heart of a volunteer and the time to give, then we want you! We just have to know you are interested. Talk to me, and I can make sure your application is submitted for next year's class.)

I could tell you all the good things that ACSL does for the community, and that would be a great blog post. But today, I want to talk about what ACSL did for me.

If you've read my earlier blog posts, you know that my son's first few years were not easy ones. He was (and is) the happiest kid around, but he had motor skill delays and migraines and a whole lot of doctor and therapist visits. While I had wonderful friends, some in town and others across the state and country, who supported me and loved me, I needed some friends who were available on weekdays at 10 a.m. for library story time, or 1 p.m. to talk while my son napped, or to hang out with during the day at the park.

Sometimes, a friend just falls in your lap and they're the perfect friend you need at that time. But most of the time, you have to search for friends. You have to reach out again and again, and sometimes fail to make a connection. It can be very disheartening.

I made a couple of friends at library time who had sons the same age as mine, but they both moved away (and if you are reading this, guys, I missed you!). As I said in an earlier post, baby play dates had bombed because my son wasn't meeting his gross motor milestones. His play school was great, but many of the moms there worked as well, and had grandparents picking up their kids. So I really did feel alone.

ACSL filled that need for adult conversation and support for me. Not all of my ACSL friends have young children (or children at all). Some have grown children, and now have the time to volunteer in the community. But no matter where they are in life, they have a heart for volunteering. While delivering Meals on Wheels, we get to talk about our days (and get lost a million times, even with the detailed directions we are given). While making meals at Good Shepherd Kitchen, we get to talk about what we like to cook at home, and what is going on in our lives, with our kids, and how we feel pulled thin with all of the commitments we have, from sports to church to dance and music lessons. While buying gifts for Christmas Cheer or Alamance ElderCare clients, we get to talk about our family's holiday traditions and that we feel that perhaps, just maybe, our kids are getting too much for Christmas and how we can teach them that giving is better than receiving. It is great to have people to share your hopes and fears with, to laugh with, and to be helping your community while doing it.

I finally got to wear that red apron at Holly Days, and you know, it felt as good as I thought it would. Especially as year two and three in the ACSL rolled around, and I got to know more people. By this year, year six, I was an old hand. Donning that red apron and serving with my friends is one of the highlights of the holiday season for me. This year, one of my jobs was to be a greeter. I got to open the door and say, "Good morning! Welcome! We're so glad you're here!" as people walked in, and "Good bye! Hope you have a great weekend! It looks like you got some great deals! Enjoy your lasagna! Enjoy those baked goods!" as people left. It was a joyful experience.

Now I feel like I am really part of my community, thanks to ACSL. It feels good to run into someone you know almost every time you go to Target. It feels good to know who to call when I want to go roller skating, and who would be a good friend to call when I need decorating help, and who is the perfect person for venting about a problem at my child's school. It also feels good to tell others about the non-profits in the county that could use some help. It feels good to tell someone who to call to volunteer for Meals on Wheels, or recommend that their group volunteer to make a meal for the volunteers at Open Door Clinic.

What ACSL meant to me most of all was the opportunity to volunteer, to be involved in our community. But a very close second is what it meant to me personally, as a way to make wonderful friends and be a part of something special. There is a reason we all smile as we don our red aprons at Holly Days. It is a lot of work (ask me about the two-day marathon baking session that culminated in two batches of 24 bar cookies, two pies, and two three-layer cakes), but in the end, we see happy vendors, happy shoppers, and money coming in that goes to help individuals and families in need in our community. We work together to make sure everything looks and runs perfectly that day. We love being together and serving together and knowing we are making a difference.

And even if I don't talk to my ACSL friends every day, I know when I run into one (at Target), we will greet each other with a big smile, maybe even a hug, and be genuinely interested in each other's lives. We have a bond that will continue on for many years. We are sisters.

For another reflection on what ACSL has meant, see my friend/ACSL sister's blog, Sisterhood.

The Gray in Between

There are usually at least two ways of looking at the same issue. Read the scenarios below and see how you view the world.

A young man sets out from his impoverished village in South or Central America with not much more than the clothes on his back and a hope to make it to the United States. He endures days and nights of hiking, sleeping outside, being chased by animals (and perhaps, law enforcement), almost dying of thirst in the desert, but he finally makes it to a small town in the U.S. He takes a job (a lowly job, one that others do not want, but he doesn't mind), and sends back half of his paycheck to his family so they can survive, and perhaps help his younger siblings get an education and not have to go through what he did.

Or...

Another criminal sneaks over the porous U.S.-Mexico border. His well-organized group has been infiltrating the U.S. for months now, bringing in drugs and setting up a network. He will run the drug business from a small U.S. town, flying under the radar. Drug mules will bring in the product once a month, and he will distribute it across his area. He will pay no taxes, will break numerous laws, yet does not fear discovery. He knows that the U.S. is weak on immigration and most likely, he won't get caught.

Another scenario:

If you are poor and rely on help from the government, it just means you haven't tried hard enough. There are jobs, and educational opportunities, and if you keep your nose clean and work hard enough, you will succeed in life. All this governmental support just keeps you from becoming a productive member of society.

Or...

If you're poor, it is through no fault of your own. If you are born poor, you most likely will always be poor, because the world is stacked against you. You come in to school ill-prepared, because, poor you, no one had time to teach you. You don't have the resources to get help if you struggle in school, and you have no role models to look up to, other than sports stars and celebrities. You would like to work to help support your family, but jobs are hard to find. The government needs to help you so you don't starve and have a place to live.

I could repeat this with a number of other scenarios, each seen very differently by different groups of people in our country. Many people see the world as black and white, good and bad, with no regard to extenuating circumstances, individual's stories, or differences of viewpoints. Either you believe as they do, or you are the enemy. There is so much hatred toward "others" who are not like "you and me," without consideration that those "others" are people, too, with hopes and dreams and plans.

I, too, sometimes find myself looking at the world through a selective lens. I see some issues as black and white, just like everyone else. But what I am advocating for today is living in the gray in between.

By "living in the gray in between," I mean seeing the situation as it really is, which (most of the time) is between the two extremes, and making ourselves a bit uncomfortable in the process. There are immigrants who are drug dealers, but there also are immigrants who are just trying to survive, and help their families survive, who (realistically) have no other choice than to break the law and come here to find work. Not every poor person is poor solely because of their choices and actions, but neither are they all blameless for where they find themselves in life.

I find this very important this month, just after Election Day, and just before the holiday season begins. This is a season of hope. Many of us hope for our families to get along, or for us to be able to find the perfect gifts for our loved ones without breaking the bank. But shouldn't we also be hoping for something larger, perhaps for true peace in our world, for healing broken relationships, for lifting up those who are lonely, needy, poor, hungry, and, yes, even angry? Shouldn't we be hoping for a government that functions as it should, rather than one that seems bogged down in special interests, self-serving politicians and back-room deals that benefit the few while hurting the majority?

I confess that I don't have the answers about how to "fix" immigration, poverty, racism, and the other problems we face today. I would not want to be a politician, because I think all my natural optimism and naivety would be beaten out of me within a year. But what I do know is that we have to find a way to live in the gray, and combat the polarization of our country.

I know this is nothing new. Our Founding Fathers had extreme differences in opinion, and some, quite frankly, hated each other. But in the end, they worked through their differences and governed the country (or at least it seems that way). More and more, I don't think that is happening, as politicians feel they have to pander to the extreme wings of their parties, rather than the moderates.

I see this in how John Boehner was vilified by his own party for not being conservative enough and compromising too much. Barack Obama has been accused of the same by his "followers," because he tried to work with Congress to get bills passed.

Um, hello. The last time I checked, both of their jobs was to work WITH each other to help make our nation a better one. No, you're not going to agree with everything the other does. But you find compromises, you meet in the middle, and you try to keep our country running. That is YOUR JOB as a politician, not to fight with each other and score points. I find it very troubling that politicians on both sides want a leader that "votes OUR way, no matter what," rather than a leader who knows how to forge a compromise that benefits both parties, and, most importantly, the American people.

Another part of the problem is the 24-hour news cycle, and the proliferation of not only legitimate (somewhat unbiased) media outlets, but also the unapologetically biased media sources, such as bloggers and radio hosts that often share only one side, their side, of the story. Even venerated news sources such as newspapers, network TV stations and news magazines come with a bias, even if it is in choosing what to cover and what to highlight in a day's news cycle.

We listen to the talking head of our choosing, and regurgitate the sound bytes he/she says. We are not really researching an issue, reading viewpoints from both sides, and coming to our own conclusion. We post things on Facebook without doing the due diligence a good reporter would do, and then our friends and family (and then their friends, then their friends) pass on information that is not entirely true, or perhaps even completely false.

I have been trying to read articles/online posts from both sides of different issues, and what I see in the comments is depressing. Where our Founding Fathers argued eloquently about their positions, people now use incorrect grammar (or no punctuation at all, which horrifies my journalism-degree self), state opinions as fact, and call each other names. Ask most of those commenters to actually back up what they are saying, and they can't. Counter their arguments with facts that prove they are wrong, and they either ignore you or keep shouting (literally or figuratively) what they believe.

So what does it mean to live in "the gray in between?"

1. Put ourselves in each other's shoes. If you believe illegal immigrants are ruining our country, go talk to someone who works with immigrants and hear their stories. If you are on the other end of the spectrum politically, talk to law enforcement and hear their stories of gangs, drugs and violence that have increased with the increase of immigrants. Don't just listen to the voices that agree with you. Have a (civil) conversation with someone who believes differently than you. Look at people as humans, not "the others" that "aren't like me." Every person has a story.
   
2. Stop thinking about only what is best for yourself, but what is best for your city/state/country. Too often we make decisions solely on how we will be affected. We live in a country that values taking care of yourself first, and if other people are bothered by your noise/yard decorations/choices, too bad for them. But when we follow my first suggestion, and listen to each other's stories, it is harder to do what is best for ourselves if we know it will harm others. Notice I said "harm," not "offend." There is a big difference there, which leads me to my next point.
   
3. Stop being offended by the small stuff. Honestly, y'all, is anyone else laughing at the Starbucks cup fiasco and the mall Santa/holiday display at SouthPark Mall in Charlotte? How in the world did people jump from "the cup is red with no background graphics" to "the cup is denying the Christ in Christmas?" How do people go so far to be inclusive that they make a futuristic light display and pod a stand-in for traditional holiday decorations and expect that people aren't going to react negatively? Let's face it: our country is NOT all Christian. We have Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, Wiccans, agnostics, atheists, and those who would deny all of that categorization. When someone says "Happy Holidays," they are not trying to offend you, they are trying to INCLUDE you and everyone else. If someone says, "Merry Christmas" to you and you're not a Christian, they aren't trying to convert you or offend you, they are JUST BEING NICE.
   
4. Be respectful. Especially online. Oh my goodness, especially online. If you wouldn't say it to my face, don't put it in a comment. If your mother would box your ears if she heard you say it, keep that thought in your mind and don't say it out loud. You don't have to agree with me, but you do owe me the courtesy of being respectful.
   
5. Understand that just because you came to a certain conclusion does not mean you get to speak for your city/racial group/religious affiliation/etc. You can be a Christian, and believe that heaven is for everyone, or you can believe that heaven is only for those who are "saved," or something in between the two. None of those beliefs are right or wrong; they are your opinion. You are welcome to discuss such things respectfully (going back to #4) with others, and share why you believe what you believe, but you do not have the right to say that because someone believes differently than you that they don't get to be in "your" group.
   
6. Be okay with not winning. Not winning the argument, not being able to tell others that they're wrong, not patting yourself on the back for being right. Live in uncertainty. Live your life doing what you think is right for you, and let others choose their own paths. Be okay with saying, "This is the right decision for me, and if you'd like to discuss it and see if it is the right decision for you, then I am open to doing so. But if you still feel the same way you did after we talk, then we can be friends anyway, because I like you for you, not for how you feel about ______." Be humble. 

I know I am the eternal optimist, thinking that we could change the country's attitude with a little more understanding and compassion. But I will keep throwing starfish back in the sea and hoping.

Feeling Alone

Being a parent can be very isolating, especially if you have a special needs child. (I struggle with using that term, special needs, but that is another blog entry...)

Last week, I was reading questions posted on a great web site for parents with children with attention issues and learning disabilities, understood.org, and one really struck home.

The person who wrote it had a son (like me), who had been diagnosed early with some developmental delays and focus issues (like my son), and she was feeling alone, and anxious, and scared, and said there wasn't anyone who really understood how she felt. Family tried, but they weren't going through the same thing she was. Her husband and son seemed to just roll with the punches, but she was really struggling to do the same.

That could have been me writing that.

I consider myself very fortunate now. I have several friends who have children with learning disabilities, sensory processing issues, attention and focus issues, and other "disabilities." We can talk to each other about our frustrations, big and small, and help each other through the tough times. But I completely understand the feeling of being alone, because that wasn't the case during my son's first few years of life. I spent a long time searching for other "special needs" moms who would understand because they were going through similar struggles. Finding your community isn't always easy, or fast, especially when all of your focus is on your child.

I am hoping that by writing this today, I will help someone else know that there is support out there, even if you have to search a while to find it. There are other parents going through the same thing you are. You will find your tribe.

In his eight years of life, my son has seen (some multiple times): a pediatrician, an ENT (ear infections, checking for hearing loss, allergies), a physical therapist (gross motor delays), a pediatric orthopedist (gross motor delays, fitting for braces and special shoes), a pediatric neurologist (migraines), an occupational therapist (fine and gross motor delays and sensory processing disorder) a pediatric GI specialist (for GI bleeding; he had three episodes between ages 4 and 5, and we still don't know why) and a geneticist (after the first bleeding episode, the GI doctor suggested we have genetic testing done).

After all that, we now know that he has a genetic anomaly that explains all but the bleeding episodes (we still have no answer for why those occurred). We have a diagnosis that makes it easy for my son to get extra help at school, which is fabulous. But all of that is terribly hard to talk about, even with understanding friends and family.

All of this started when I put my three-month old baby in daycare, and went back to work. He immediately got an ear infection, and the fluid never drained out for four months. Our kid wasn't happy at day care, and I'm sure all of the ear infections was part of that, but we felt it was more than that. Call it mother's intuition, God's whisper in my ear, whatever you want, but I knew that I wasn't meant to be working at that moment, and I felt I lost friends because of it. They didn't understand why I didn't just have the tubes put in, and go back to work. They didn't understand how stressful it is to have a child not meeting his milestones and not knowing why.

I know there are parents whose kids have worse problems, and still both work and cope with all of the appointments, therapy visits, sick days and stress, but I could not have been one of them. I felt like I would not have been an effective worker or an effective parent if I had been working outside the home during those first few years.

But that was SO very isolating. I had friends. But they all worked. I met other stay-at-home moms. But none became close friends (at least those first few years), close enough to share all of the struggles we were going through. And believe me, it is no fun to go to a baby play date with moms you don't know very well, and see your child lagging far behind the others in development. You feel the need to constantly explain what is going on with your child, without feeling like you are oversharing. That is not to mention the depression you feel because you don't have a good answer to what is going on with your child.

So where did I meet my group of moms whose sons have SPD, ADHD, and other learning disabilities? Amazingly enough, at his preschool. Some were teachers there and some were parents of his schoolmates. We found each other slowly, somewhat by chance, and by being brave enough to talk about it at preschool, church, soccer practice, children's library story times, Kindermusik, The Little Gym, and other activities.

I also am a sharer by nature (obviously). I don't feel my child's issues are anything to be ashamed of, so I tell others a snippet (my son has some gross and fine motor delays and focus issues is my standard sentence). And I am surprised by how many other parents respond with the struggles their child is having that are similar to ours. You slowly develop a community, someone you can email or text or message, "Is this normal or SPD?" "Do your child have problems with transitions?" "What works in your house at homework time?" or whatever else you have questions about.

You still will feel alone. You still will feel that sadness when other kids can do what your child can't, like kick a ball, or jump over a box, or go down a slide. You will quietly rejoice when your child DOES do those things (because my son did, eventually, reach his milestones, but much later than other kids), and share those accomplishments with friends who understand, either because they've been there themselves, or they've been there with you for the struggle.

Many of my friends have "neurotypical" children who have not faced the same challenges my son has. That's not to say their kids don't face their own challenges; we all have things we struggle with.

So while my best friends may not understand exactly what it means to have a son who struggles with balance and coordination, they know enough of our story to understand my excitement when he stepped up onto a parking barrier, then from that to the sidewalk, without even thinking about it. This is NOT something a typical mom celebrates. This is not a typical milestone. But for my son, it was a huge deal because stepping up onto something narrow, then stepping off of it onto a sidewalk without falling was not something he could have done even a year ago.

Yet, I realize daily that parents of "normal" or "neurotypical" kids simply don't understand what it really feels like to have a child with delays, just like a parent with a healthy kid cannot understand what it feels like to have a child with cancer, or diabetes, or cerebral palsy. I'm not saying we don't try to understand how each other feel, but we can't really know, not unless it happens to us, You need friends who are on the same journey you are, even if you have the best friends in the world already (and I do!).

I am fortunate to have my "tribe," both those with "normal" kids and those with kids with special needs. I am fortunate that both my family and my husband's family are helpful, loving and accepting. I am fortunate that I have had the freedom to not work outside the home, and be there for my son when he needs me. I am fortunate that I am involved with my church and a volunteer organization, which give me outlets for my creativity, and something that feeds my soul and recharges me.

But some part of me will always feel alone, and scared, and unsure of what to do to help my son with his latest challenge. That will never go away. But I feel more in control now that I know I can count on my friends. I hope that all moms (and dads) of children facing challenges find the support and love they need, and someone who really understands and can make them feel less alone.

Be True to Your School (PTO)

It has been way too long since I last posted, and that's because of today's topic: school PTOs (or PTAs, or whatever you call the WONDERFUL men and women who volunteer to help at your child's school).

No, PTO is not a four-letter word, or a reason to run away as fast as you can. It is an organization that tries its best to support students and teachers, and make your school a better one.

There were a lot of posts at the beginning of the school year that upset me a little. Yes, the fundraising letter from the Texas school was funny. Yes, PTOs do run a lot of fundraisers, and you might prefer just to write a check, and that is fine.

But before you run away from the next (nice) person trying to recruit you for the PTO, understand what we do.

• Come to a meeting, and see what events we are planning that your children will love.
  
• Look at our budget and see where the money we raise goes.
  
• Talk to your children's teachers, and see what they think about the PTO.
  
• Volunteer for just one hour, and see how you feel.

I know I only speak for the PTO I have been involved with at my son's preschool and elementary school, but I imagine most PTOs are similar. They are women and men who value their children's education, and want to make sure that every child has the option to go on a field trip, or enjoy a special event at school. PTOs also do a lot to support the teachers and staff, who often work (really) long hours and for not much pay, doing a job that most of us wouldn't do for a million bucks (20+ kids, all with different needs, for 7 hours a day? I have a headache just thinking about it!).

Here are just a few things the PTO does at my son's school:

1. Provide a lunch every other month for teachers and staff, and have parent volunteers in the lunchroom to monitor their classes so they can enjoy the lunch in the break room;
2. Give teachers a special something on their birthdays;
3. Organize an entire week's worth of special treats for Staff Appreciation Week in the spring;
4. Help pay for field trips for kids who could not afford to go otherwise;
5. Organize school dances, a variety show and a bingo night;
6. Help the librarian during the annual book fair;
7. Organize and distribute books for a book swap so every kid gets a new-to-them book to take home (and keep forever) over Winter Break;
8. Organize and staff a Santa Store, where kids can purchase small gifts for family members;
9. Help pay for school improvements, such as a security system, sound system for the auditorium, and playground equipment;
10. Organize school cleanup days;
11. Take pictures and lay out the yearbook;
12. And more!

Yes, fundraisers can be painful. If you prefer to write us a check, we will take it gladly. But understand that not every family can write a check for $25, $50 or $100. Some families cannot afford to write a big check, but can go door to door in their neighborhood and take orders.

Fundraisers can be a great teaching tool for your child as well. I coach my son before he goes around, reminding him to speak clearly, look the adult in the eye, thank them (whether they purchase anything or not), and smile. He gets practice in interacting with adults and public speaking, and he feels pride when we gets enough orders to receive a prize. I know the prizes aren't worth much, but they mean so much to him because he earned them.

And I do understand why you look like a deer in the headlights when I ask for volunteers, I really do. We, as parents, have so much going on that adding one more thing to the list might actually cause us to collapse. Or that's what we tell ourselves. But the reality is, if you don't volunteer for the book fair, then someone else has to fill that time slot. If you don't respond to the email asking for desserts for the teacher's luncheon, then someone else has to make that dessert. And when it is the same parents, over and over again, those parents get burnt out. Then no one wins.

So all I ask is, be open. Consider volunteering, if you can, even if it is just for one hour for one event. Be willing to send in some food for a teacher lunch, or cut out Box Tops and Campbell's Soup Labels to send in, if you work and cannot physically be at the school. Or volunteer to help with something that occurs in the evening.

Burned out on excessive activities at your school in which you're expected to participate? Come to a PTO meeting and (nicely) ask about it. You might find out that your school PTO is trying to raise money for something really great, like new computers or tablets for the classrooms, or new playground equipment, or science equipment, or new musical instruments. Instead of sitting back and criticizing, get involved and you might be surprised that you are now the one defending the cookie dough fundraiser!

Or, you might find out that the PTO is open to suggestions (such as the funny anti-fundraiser letter). If that will work at your school, then fantastic! It cuts out the middleman, takes less time and effort for both the school and the parents, and the school still gets the benefits. But you won't know until you go.

Your PTO (probably) needs your help. Even if you can only give an hour, we will take it. Don't run away from us. Understand that our schedules are full, too, but we have carved out a little time to help the school. See if you can find a way to carve out some time, too.

One. More. Week.

My friends are split between two groups: those who are eagerly looking forward to school beginning, and those who want summer to go on and on and on.

I am firmly in the first camp.

I love my son. I really do. I have even enjoyed spending (a lot) of time with him this summer.  He is getting older, and more independent, and I love watching him accomplish more and more on his own. I love going to places with him. I love the fact that we don't have to hurry most mornings in the summer, but can go at our own pace. I love playing games with him, reading with him, and playing in the pool with him.

We even had a good routine going this summer, visiting the pool most mornings and running errands in the afternoons, often doing a couple of pages in his workbook or writing in his journal as well.

I fully realize that, if I let him, he'd sit in front of the TV and/or iPad all day, and I could sit and read my book, and we'd both be very happy.

But then Mom Guilt kicks in, and I make myself put down the book and take him somewhere (or at least go outside and play).

But oh my, I cannot wait until August 24.

After the 24th, I can go to the grocery store by myself. I can cool down after my workout by myself (with no one urging me to hurry up so we can go to the pool). I can (finally) crack down and get everything lined up for grad school (that application deadline is not too far away). I can binge-watch non-kid-friendly shows on Netflix. My Netflix icon will be lit instead of his. I can get my hair cut, go to a doctor's appointment, and go shopping without my little "helper." That report I need to finish for church? Scheduling time to do it the week of the 24th. I already have a hair cut and a visit to the ENT about my allergies on my calendar. And doing so will involve no "fun bags," or electronic devices, or dragging a reluctant kid into the car.

I will miss our lazy mornings and fully expect to spend each morning yelling at him to get out of the shower NOW so we won't be late for school. I will miss listening to audiobooks with him in the car (we've been known to sit in the car in the garage or parking lot, waiting for the chapter to end).

And I can't wait for him to come home with new stories about school. I can't wait to see what he will learn this year in second grade. I can't wait for his fall activities to begin. I can't wait to see what he will accomplish this year, and how much he will grow.

I am sure I will be lamenting the loss of the lazy days of summer in a few weeks. But for now, I am counting down the days until the school bell rings.

When It is Hard

TV this time of year is hit or miss, but my husband and I didn't feel like starting a new movie last night, so we ended up watching CBS's Mike and Molly last night.

Last night's episode really hit home for me. Mike was celebrating at the beginning of the episode because, after months of exercise and dieting, he could fit into his "flu pants" (kind of like a woman's skinny pants). 

Then he went out to lunch with his partner, and ate a piece of apple pie. With ice cream.

He hopped on the scale the next day, and sure enough, he had gained five pounds.

He then did what every dieter across the universe does - he got upset with himself, didn't eat all day, and felt guilty.

When his partner tries to call him on it, he says. "How can eating 10 ounces of pie add five pounds of weight?" He cannot be convinced to eat, and ends up grumpy, lashing out at a co-worker (who, admittedly, deserved it), and gets suspended from work for a few days.

At the end of the episode, he tells Molly, "It's so hard. I have to work at this every day. When does it stop? When do I get to eat without thinking about every calorie I put in my mouth?"

Molly answers, "I don't know. Yes, it's hard, but we're going to get through this together. Look how far you've come! You can do this!"

[Note: I am reciting this dialogue by memory, so I know that I didn't get every word correct, but you get the gist.]

Isn't that how we all feel about our weight? Unless you are young, and have incredible metabolism, getting to your goal weight and staying there is really, really tough.

Every day, something new pops up in my Facebook feed about why you can't lose the weight, or ten mistakes every dieter makes, or what does it really take to get six-pack abs.

And I read (almost) every one of them. I can't help myself. I want to know if I am making some mistake that, when corrected, will somehow magically make ten pounds melt off my body.

The answer is always no, I am doing most of the right things (other than my sugar addiction). But that isn't going to change this month (hello, birthday!) or probably not ever.

Perhaps I am still eating too much (even with using MyFitnessPal). Perhaps I don't move enough, outside my thrice-weekly exercise class, and occasional power walks around the neighborhood.

But that is not the point.

The point is, I, like Mike, sometimes feel like it is just too hard. It is too hard to record every calorie I eat. It is too hard to work out really, really hard, and not see numbers go down. Or to see some numbers go down, but some go up (our trainer explained that it has to do with how much cardio (weight loss) you do versus how much strength training (body fat percentage) you do, but it still is frustrating). It is too hard that there's always someone else who has a better chest/waist/thighs/abs than you. It's too hard that some people can lose weight easily when you have to fight for each pound lost. It's too hard to prepare healthy meals when you work long hours, then take your child to a sports practice or game, music lesson, Scouts, theater, tae kwon do, dance or another activity that makes a home-cooked dinner at home that night a laughable concept. It's too hard when you just need to lose 10 pounds, and it's too hard when you need to lose 100 pounds and have no idea how to get started.

You can get bogged down really fast about nutrition. Here are some things I have seen in the last month:

• Caffeine is good for revving up your metabolism (unless you're like me, and caffeine makes you jittery and crazy), but only if you stick with green tea or plain coffee - no sugar, or fattening milk, or syrups (have you seen the calorie count on Starbucks' frappes?).
• Fat-free foods aren't good for you, because by taking out the fat, they have to add in a lot of sugar and preservatives to make it palatable, so it's better to eat a little of the full-fat rather than a lot of the non-fat (but evidently not in your coffee).
• Fruit is good (but only if you eat it with a protein, and not late at night, because it is full of sugars). 
• You need healthy oils and fats (but what those are vary depending on who you're asking, and you have to figure out the ideal serving size, because eating too much negates its benefits). 
• Fish is great (unless you're talking tuna or another big fish, which is good for you, but if you eat too much, you're getting too much mercury in your diet). 
• Green juice is super-healthy, if you make it yourself, but store-bought has too many sugars.
• Smoothies can be healthy, but often are just calorie bombs with too much sugar and not enough nutrients. The same applies to granola bars, protein bars and other "healthy" snacks. 
• And speaking of snacks, those 100-calorie packs that are so convenient to pick up and eat on the run are just empty calories with no nutritional value. 
• Yogurt is good, unless it has a lot of added sugar (which is most of the flavored yogurts), so you're better off buying the plain kind and adding in fresh fruits and granola. 
• Cereal is bad, too, so I hope you have enough time to prepare steel-cut oats with fresh fruit every morning, or make a smoothie with spinach and fruit, using coconut water or almond milk, and some protein powder.

Are you confused (and exhausted) yet? My friends and I are. Who has time to research all these different methods? Who has time to make healthy meals each and every day? Who has the time to prepare something healthy for you, and maybe your spouse, and something else for your kids, who will NOT be satisfied with a kale salad with beets and vinaigrette? Who has the money to buy all the fresh fruits and vegetables, plus the expensive blender and juicer, plus the supplements?

You try so hard, and work so hard, and still, you're don't feel you measure up.

Some of this feeling of not measuring up is in our heads. As I said in my last blog post, I want women and men to feel good about themselves just the way they are. If your self-esteem is not healthy, then you will never be happy with the way you look. You have to believe that you are beautiful just as you are, even when you are "in progress," and we are all always "in progress."

Some of this is our constant exposure to the media. We see "perfect" movie/TV/music stars and believe that we can achieve that level of beauty/fitness/success. Of course, we don't see the work they do, the things they deny themselves, the personal trainers and chefs, and the Photoshop that cleans up their skin and erases away an inch off their waists. We look at fitness magazines, and have no clue the work it took to get the model to look like that (not to mention the good genes). We think, if I just work out a little harder, I will get a six-pack of abs like that model!

Those who know me know that I am not a health or fitness nut. I love my ice cream, and chocolate, and bread, and pasta... Plus, my genes dictate that any extra weight I gain goes to my midsection. I think even if I ate "perfectly" for a year, there would be no danger of me ever having six-pack abs. 

So when it is hard, when you feel like you will never get the results you want, what do you do?

One, evaluate your goals. Are they reasonable? For me, getting six-pack abs probably is not reasonable. But getting my waist size, weight and body fat percentage down to the healthy range is.

Two, evaluate your progress. Even if you are just inching along, you are on your way. There might be a way to speed up your progress, or you might just have to be patient. Either way, you will get there.

Three, love yourself on the journey. Realize that being healthy is not a short-term goal, but rather a life-long process.

Four, support one another. Find friends who will encourage you and celebrate your successes. Find friends who want the same thing you do, and work towards those goals together.

Five, just keep swimming. Dory in Finding Nemo is my role model for this one. When it's hard, tell yourself, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming." If you keep going, you will be one step closer to your goal.

Six, know you will have "cheat" days. Or weeks. I, for one, plan to enjoy my birthday, and my vacation coming up in a few weeks.

My mindset is different than it used to be, though. I may enjoy some cake, and cookies, and fried seafood. But I also will enjoy a long, brisk walk on the beach every day, and some simple exercises with my fitness band. I won't mindlessly eat between meals, and will weigh each food choice. And when I get back home, I will start eating smart again. I won't punish myself for that week of fun; I will just pick up where I left off, and keep on swimming toward my goals!

Feeling Good about Yourself

This is what I'm wearing today --

Cute, right?

No, it isn't a special occasion. It is a typical Wednesday. It's hot outside, so I wanted to wear something cool. But I also wanted to wear something that makes me feel good. This jumpsuit makes me feel pretty, and I am sure I walk taller and smile more when I wear it.

It has been bugging me recently that people see "dressing up" as being something you only do on special occasions or for work or because you have to, rather than want to, look nice.

My mother always tells me, "if you look pretty, you feel pretty." And, as with many things, she is right.

When she says "feel pretty," she doesn't mean pretty in a superficial way. She means pretty, as in comfortable in your skin, confident, and happy.  I didn't always agree with her when I was younger, but I certainly do now.

People frequently ask me where I work. When I say I am a SAHM, they usually look confused and say, "But you look so nice!"

Good to know that part of being a SAHM is looking slovenly.

And before I get a lot of emails from parents who say, "this is ridiculous, because anything nice I wear immediately is ruined by dirty hands, mouths and other parts of a toddler," I totally admit that my one and only child is now 7, and (for the most part), doesn't wipe his face or hands on my person.

If you have young kids, or plan to spend the day working in the backyard, or painting, or otherwise doing something messy, then wearing something nice isn't a good idea.

But if your child or children are 4 years old or older, and your plan for the day is to wander around Target in a pair of ratty shorts and a t-shirt that is older than your children, you might want to consider a change.

There is nothing wrong with wearing old, comfortable clothes, or dressing casually, per se. But most people stand up a little taller and feel better about themselves if they are wearing something that is special, makes them feel pretty, and fits well.

I'm going to pick on my sister-in-law, who always looks cute, but told me the other day that she has maxidresses hanging in her closet she doesn't wear because she never goes anywhere dressy. I told her to wear them around town, running errands, or for girl's night out with her friends. I'm not sure if she thought I was crazy, or if that was a good idea, but I know she isn't the only person who thinks that way. Those poor maxidresses. They just want to be worn!

Someone at my high school reunion a couple of years ago said she had to go shopping before that weekend because all she ever wore anymore were yoga pants. Really?? I know they're comfortable, but nothing else??? Yoga pants every day, plus something nice to wear to church on Sundays, but nothing in between? And she's not the only one. There are several people I see around town who seem to wear nothing but exercise clothing. It's obviously not because they've just finished a workout, because the clothes aren't sweaty, they're wearing makeup and their hair looks flawless. They've just chosen to wear spandex and sweat-wicking clothing to go grocery shopping.

Another argument I hear a lot is, "I don't want to buy anything now, not at the size I'm in. I want to lose some weight. Then I'll buy new clothes." Not buying it, ladies. Buy a few things now that make you feel special. Actually, I think feeling good about myself makes me MORE likely to workout and eat better. You can use that size as a motivational tool, if you want, but far more healthy is to not worry about the size on the label but rather focus on how that clothing makes you feel and how good you look in it!

I am no skinny minnie. I have been working out and trying to eat better, and have seen some positive changes in my body. But I also have realized that I need to be happy with myself RIGHT NOW. That doesn't mean that I don't keep working towards my fitness and weight loss goals, but that I don't have to achieve some big goal to have "made it." And a few pieces of new clothing that fit well and make me feel good is worth every penny.

Am I advocating we go back to the days when women went everywhere in a dress or matching suit and heels? Absolutely not. Am I saying to go buy uncomfortable clothing or shoes just because they look nice? Again, no.

There is a middle ground here.  A cute maxidress, t-shirt dress, jumpsuit or romper is just as comfortable and cool as a t-shirt and shorts (actually, I'd argue a t-shirt dress is more comfy on a hot day, because it doesn't touch much of your body). If dresses aren't your thing, there are tons of cute tees, shorts and casual skirts available that look stylish and sophisticated, rather than worn out and messy. I admit I am a girly girl when it comes to clothes and jewelry, and my style may not be yours.

What I would like to see is women embracing their inner beauty, wearing clothing that makes them feel good and pretty, and walking down the street (or the aisles of Target), with a smile on their faces that says they are happy in their skin.