Big Time Sports

I am a proud graduate of UNC-Chapel Hill. But I am not proud of what I learned in the last few years about how members of the UNC faculty, staff and sports personnel put sports above academics.

However, I can't say that I am surprised that some members of our illustrious sports teams were not able to keep their GPAs high enough to participate without (a lot) of extra help.

I entered UNC in 1992, right before all of this allegedly began.  I remember many conversations the next year about an athlete who was retaking his SAT to get his score high enough to meet the minimum standard.  The score he had received previously was less than many people I knew had made when they had taken the SAT in middle school for the Duke TIP program.  So I definitely wondered how he was going to succeed in the classes I was taking if he couldn't even make the SAT score many UNC attendees made in middle school.

I think we all were complicit in not questioning these things more.  There is nothing better than going to a game, cheering on your team, and watching them win. Revenue sports bring in alumni money and support from other donors, money from TV broadcasts, sponsorships and licensing deals.  That money builds beautiful stadiums and arenas, as well as supporting the rest of the school with scholarships and money used to entice the best professors.  And for too long, we looked the other way when it came to academics.

I think even if you go back to much earlier eras, you would find athletes that were not quite up to par academically at UNC and many other schools.  They probably had tutors and extra help, and were steered towards classes that weren't as academically challenging.  The quote below from the Wainstein Report says it best:

Academically elite universities like Chapel Hill often feel a tension between their high academic standards and the effort to build a strong athletic program. One symptom of this tension is that academically selective schools often feel it necessary to admit academically under-prepared athletes in order to field competitive teams. They do so with the expectation that the inclusion of such student-athletes will be a mutually enriching experience; the university benefits from having the student-athletes’ special talents and the student-athletes benefit from getting access to an excellent education.

This is a perfectly legitimate and laudable approach to admissions, and it has resulted in countless success stories where such student-athletes have excelled both on the field and in the classroom. At the same time, the admission of under-prepared student-athletes presents universities with difficult challenges, as many require intensive academic support and remedial instruction, and even with this assistance some continue to struggle when confronting the demanding academic curriculum of an academically elite university. 

But in the end, some at UNC crossed the line between legitimate help and illegitimate acts whose sole purpose was to keep athletes academically eligible.

One of things I find most interesting is an aspect that not every media outlet has covered: the fact that not only athletes benefited from these "paper" classes.  Some people inadvertently took the classes, and worked hard on their papers.  Others were steered there by school advisers or friends, having been told that the classes required nothing more than writing a paper at the end.  Some of those people even knew the paper's actual content had little to do with the grade assigned.  Others just knew it was an easy way to bring up your GPA, or lessen your load during a semester when you were taking challenging classes.

During my first semester at UNC, I realized that my high school had truly prepared me for college, but that not all people were so lucky.  It is not just athletes who get to UNC, then struggle to keep up. There are a lot of students, that for various reasons, get to college and realize that they don't have the writing skills, study skills, or basic knowledge in math and science to take the entry level college courses.  Then they have to find the resources at their school and talk to their professors (some who are not very approachable) about extra help, all of this while they are adjusting to being away from home and being a (somewhat) responsible adult for the first time.  Some find the resources they need, and make it through; others drop out.

I love that my son's elementary school talks about college readiness with the children and the parents. They know that you don't start getting ready for college your junior year of high school.  You have to start laying the foundation early, or you're already behind.

The sad fact is, some athletes are taught from an early age to focus on their sport, and not worry about academics.  Their sports prowess is seen as their "golden ticket" and everyone, from their parents to their teachers to their peers, help them slide through school with the minimum amount of work.  But that is cheating them out of the opportunity to be a great student, and not just a great athlete.  Moreover, what good does that do for the student who has a career-ending injury?  How does that help if he or she doesn't become a professional athlete, and "goes pro in something other than sports," as the NCAA proudly advertises?

I don't have the answers.  The problem is more systemic than just colleges and universities, because this emphasis on sports begins in elementary school, and kids are entering Kindergarten already behind their peers in reading and math readiness, vocabulary and social skills.  But that is a whole other blog topic...

On the college level, one possibility is to take away the athletic scholarship and only admit those who are academically eligible to attend your school.  This probably will never happen, because college sports is too much of a cash cow for schools.

More moderately, we could reduce the amount of "special circumstance admissions," which is what schools like UNC use to admit athletes that do not have the scores and grades to get in otherwise.  Would our teams suffer on the field or court? Possibly, but if every school did the same, and leveled the playing field, it would be okay, eventually.  And we would feel better about ourselves, our university, and feel we were not exploiting our athletes.  There are athletes out there that are both academically smart as well as smart on the football field or basketball court, and we need to be enrolling and playing them.

Going hand in hand with this would have to be a more robust development league for pro sports.  If your life skill really is that you are great with a football, basketball, baseball or puck, and academics aren't your thing, then there is no reason for you to pretend to be a student.  I would hope that these athletes would have a backup plan, in case things don't work out the way they expect, but maybe that is a life lesson we all have to learn.

Colleges and universities also need to do a better job of helping all students succeed.  It is too easy to slip through the cracks, especially at a big school,  Every school has resources, such as a Writing Center, tutoring programs, and advisers.  They should be advertised early and often to incoming students.  And students need to take the responsibility of seeking help before it is too late, and not relying on the easy way out.

There are no easy answers, and I hate that it was my school that brought all of this to light.  I hope other schools can learn from our experience.  And, of course, I hate that we might have to forfeit games and championships because of this.  But in the end, I hope UNC athletics will come out of this with the emphasis back on being a student first, then an athlete.

I Love YA Fiction (and I'm Not Afraid to Admit It)

I love to read.  My mom used to get frustrated with me when I spent my mornings reading the back of the cereal box instead of actually eating breakfast.

Now that I am an adult, I can read at the table (although I do realize how rude I am being to my family, so I usually don't).  But I read everywhere else - while I'm drying my hair and putting on makeup, while standing in line, while waiting to pick my son up from school, while he is watching TV, before bed... I could go on.

Reading is my escape, my pleasure, my sanity-saver.

A few months ago, Ruth Graham wrote an article for Slate called "Against YA," saying that adults should be embarrassed if what they are reading was meant for children.  I disagree.

Young adult, or even children's literature, can be just as interesting, entertaining and thought-provoking as "adult" literature.  I've never bought into the belief that "good" books have to be impenetrable to the casual reader.

I actually love to read all genres.  My library bag usually has a mix of mysteries, thrillers, contemporary fiction, chick lit, fantasy and classics.  About the only thing I don't love is horror.  I am too empathetic.  When I read, I tend to live the characters' lives, and horror scares me too much.

Are there bad YA books? Sure, just like there are bad adult books.  And what is bad and what is good is subjective.  I had this conversation with another mom just a couple of weeks ago.  She saw the book I was reading, and said her daughter had tried it, and just couldn't get into it.  I finished it, and liked it a lot.

So here is my list that I would recommend.  I don't have The Fault in Our Stars, or the Divergent or Hunger Games series on here; everyone knows about those.  But these might have slipped under the radar and are worth a look!

The Last Dragonslayer and The Song of the Quarkbeast - Jasper Fforde: I love this author.  He also has written some fantastic adult books.  He creates alternate realities you want to live in.  This series is about a young woman who is running a company who has magicians for rent, in a time when magic is drying up, and she may be the only hope to bring back Big Magic.  There are kings, dragons, quarkbeasts (aren't you curious about what they are???), and a lot of humor that adults will appreciate as much as children.

A Corner of White and The Cracks in the Kingdom - Jaclyn Moriarty: If you like Jasper Fforde, you will love these books, too.  Both Jaclyn and Jasper have a quirky sense of humor and create alternate realities that seem like they could be real.  This series is about a young girl in our world who finds a way to communicate with a boy in the world of Cello.  This kind of communication is forbidden in Cello, but why?  And can they send more than just a slip of paper, or can they find a way to solve the mystery that is occurring in both of their worlds?

Revolution - Deborah Wiles: This book about Mississippi during the Freedom Summer of 1964.  Children (and even adults) who weren't alive during that time cannot fathom this world. [As an aside, I am not saying racism does not still exist.  But there aren't governors physically blocking students from entering a school, police using tear gas and fire hoses to subdue a peaceful protest and towns closing public pools so they don't have to integrate.]  This story is written from the viewpoint of children, and includes wonderful photos, quotes and song lyrics from the time.  It would be a great place to start the conversation about race and our country's history of treating others as less than human.

The Glass Sentence - S.E. Grove: I just finished this one a few weeks ago.  Again, this falls into the fantasy/alternative reality genre.  A young lady whose parents disappeared when she is young is being raised by her uncle, who is a cartographer extraordinaire in a world where different areas of the world are in different time periods.  Maps help people navigate from country to country, but also time period to time period, and when her uncle is kidnapped, she will stop at nothing to get him back and figure out the map he left her and why it is important.

The Mysterious Benedict Society Series - Trenton Lee Stewart: This one is really aimed at even younger audiences, probably the late elementary school crowd, and I cannot wait for my son to be old enough to enjoy them!  They are about some young children (all orphans of some sort) who are recruited to go on a secret mission only they can complete.  You cheer for the children, gasp at the villains, and like that the happy endings are a little different than you might expect!

Code Name Verity: Elizabeth Wein: This book is set during World War II, and tells the story of what some extraordinary women did to help the war effort, sacrificing so much to serve their country.  A great one to foster conversations about war, propaganda, and world history.

The Ring and the Crown - Melissa de la Cruz: This is a story about two young girls, one who is destined to become queen, and one who is to be her magician (which is how her family has kept their power over the Franco-British Empire).  Not only is the storytelling wonderful, and the characters real, but the ending isn't what you expect.  A book that surprises you is one worth reading.

The Finishing School Series - Gail Carriger: These are just fun reads.  You have young ladies living on a dirigible, learning how to be proper and make a good match... and also learning how to throw a knife, poisoning and the other finer arts of espionage.  Steampunk at its finest!

Staying Fat for Sarah Byrnes - Chris Crutcher:  We read this in my book club, and really started me reading young adult fiction again.  Eric and Sarah are friends, and outcasts in their high school, because Eric is fat and Sarah was badly burned as a child.  But as Eric starts swimming and shedding pounds, and Sarah tries to deal with her past, everything changes.  This book is another great conversation-starter that I am sure I will use when my son is older to talk about friendship, how to treat others with respect, and how important it is to stand up for what is right.


Now it is your turn.  Any books I should add to my list?

Why is it Easier to Be a Stay at Home Mom (and Why it is Harder)

I was in charge of a catalog fundraiser at my son's school, so I've spent every morning for the last two and a half weeks sitting at a table in the main foyer of the school.  Other moms helped me take the order forms and money from the kids, making sure everything was filled out and correct.

Some of these moms work outside the home; others, like me, do not.  And you can probably tell tell us apart with one look.  The working moms look like they've had a shower, have on makeup, and are dressed nicely.  I (and I will focus on myself, and not the others) have not even brushed my hair.

Now granted, I have run my fingers through my hair, and my hair is short and fine, so I can get away with that.  I have on clothes, not PJs, but I pretty much wore the same two pairs of jeans or a pair of exercise shorts, and a sweatshirt or fleece jacket every morning.  I didn't stink or anything, but it was obvious, at least to me, that I was not (as my mom would put it) ready for the day.

This got me to thinking about what is great about being a stay-at-home mom, and what is not.  These are applicable to my life now, with a grade-school kid, so moms with younger kids may not have lucked into all of this yet!

What is Great About Being a Stay-At-Home Mom

1. Getting Ready in the Morning:  As I mentioned above, I rarely shower before I drop my kid off at school.  Having just one seven-year-old to get ready in the morning is SO much easier than having to get myself mostly ready before he even wakes up.

2. School/Church/Community Involvement:  Don't have a full-time job?  Then you are going to be VERY popular with your school/church/community groups.  I volunteer a lot.  Part of me feels like that is my "duty" as a stay-at-home parent, because organizations like Meals on Wheels rely on people who can deliver meals at a certain time in the morning.  The best part of being a volunteer is that, for the most part, you choose what you do, and how long you do it.  I also can help with picture day at school, go on field trips and attend the Book Character Parade on Halloween without worrying about taking time off work.

3. Free Time:  Yes, I rail against people who say that stay-at-home moms do nothing but sit around and eat bon bons.  But I do have to admit, especially now that my little guy is in elementary school, I do have free time to read and relax.  I think that all people should have some time that is truly their own to recharge their batteries, and moms need this most of all (because of the reasons in the next list!).

4. Sunny Days: Enough said.

5. Meals:  I make a meal most nights (or reheat leftovers).  I cannot imagine trying to prepare something at 5:30, right after a long day of work, while my child (or children) are whining about being hungry and having so much homework to do, when all I want to do is relax and unwind.  Working moms, I bow down to you.

6. Appointments:  I can plan my medical, dental and beauty appointments while my child is in school.  His appointments can be right after school, and there's never any worry about getting back to work on time.

7. Sick Days: This actually belongs on both lists, because there are good things and bad things about being the primary caregiver of a child.  But I will admit I don't have to worry about finding someone to cover me at the hospital/office/classroom, or cancelling the presentation that I've spent weeks working on because I have a sick kid.

8.  Homework: It is done before dinner.  Easy peasy.  More time to play after dinner.  Win-win for everyone.

9. The Extras: When my son needed physical and occupational therapy, I was able to set those (weekly) appointments up without worrying about a work schedule.  When he was younger, he got to take Kindermusik and Little Gym classes, attend the weekly library fun times, and visit children's museums on weekday mornings.

But it is not all sun and roses on this side of the fence...

Why It is Hard to be a Stay-At-Home Mom

1. Sick Days: Sick days are bad, no matter what.  But when you're the primary caregiver, you're probably the one who has stayed up with this kid the night before.  You're the one who will be with him or her all day while he/she is whiny or fussy or throwing up.  And guess what, you'll be the one with them the next day, too!  And if you have more than one child, you're trying to keep them away from the sick one, get them where they need to be, and hoping they don't get sick, too.  It is exhausting, which leads to..

2. Sick Days, Part 2: You don't get any.  If you are sick, you may get a few hours of rest while your child is in school.  But you still have to pick them up, or arrange transportation, and line up someone to take them to dance/karate/music lessons.   You are the one that cleans the house when someone is sick to banish all the germs, and that doesn't change, even if you are the one who is germy.  And your kid(s) still expects Mommy to play with him/her, even if you feel like a truck has run over your head.

3. You Don't Have Anything to Do That Day, Do You?: As I said earlier, I volunteer a lot.  And, for the most part, I am fine with that.  But it really is irritating when people think I have nothing to do all day and can pick up the slack.  When it is the same people doing the work, over and over again, especially when you are not getting paid for it, it can be exhausting.

4. 24/7 Workday: My job is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  Actually, it isn't really, because I have a FABULOUS husband who helps out a lot when he is home.  But there are times (like summer vacation), when it is my job to entertain my son all day.  Hello pool memberships, summer camps and play dates!  But that doesn't help on the third day of rain when you've played every game in the house and you're bored stiff of watching TV.

5. Taking Your Child EVERYWHERE: My son has been to church meetings since he was a baby. He run errands with me frequently.  During the school year, I have time to do things without my little helper, but summer is tough.  And there are always meetings that happen after hours, or the days when he has a cold and shouldn't be at school, but yet isn't sick enough for me to cancel my doctor's appointment that I've waited months for... I probably won't ever tell him he once sat in the corner of the room while I had my annual gynecological exam!

6. Same Sweater, Different Day: One income often means not having the disposable income you once had.  And of course, you don't want to skimp on your child's needs - he actually outgrows shoes and clothes.  So I sigh as I look at pretty dresses and cute outfits that I would TOTALLY wear if I had a job, then pull on a pair of jeans or leggings, throw on a sweater, and move on.

7. Adult Conversation: I think this is the thing that gets most SAHMs the most.  There are days that I only speak to my husband and my son.  I love them both dearly, but I would love to be gabbing with friends or coworkers about the latest scandal, or what was on TV last night.

8. Accolades: My son tells me I'm the best mommy in the world sometimes, but in general, being at SAHM is a thankless job.  There's not a lot of positive feedback (Yeah! You kept your child alive for another 24 hours!), no project completion and no annual review, promotions or pay raises.  Again, I give my husband credit for telling me he appreciates what I do, but I am lucky.  I know not every woman gets even that.

9. Making Friends: As more and more women work outside the home, it is really tough to find other SAHMs.  I love my friends that work, and our kids certainly can play together on weekends.  But when I really need a play date is after school, early release days and teacher workdays, when my son and I are looking for something to do.  My free time is during the day, and it can be a struggle to find moms who are free at the same time to go get a coffee, browse the shops, or take a walk and talk!  I have some great friends, both working and SAHMs, but it took a lot of work to find them.

So there you have it.  My list, at least for today, of what I love and hate about being a SAHM.  I would love your feedback, and for you to add your loves and hates.  And moms who work outside the home, let me know what I have wrong.  Is the grass always greener on the other side of the fence?

Introduction, and An Open Letter to My Mom

 Um, hi, my name is Mary Beth, and I am starting a blog.

It feels a little bit like introducing yourself on the first day at school, or a new job.

Hi, my name is Mary Beth, and I hope you like what I write.

It feels awkward, and brings out every shy bone I have in my body.

Hi, my name is Mary Beth, and I want to share (parts of) my life with you.

Of course, to begin with, most of you readers will be people I already know, so I guess that's okay.  You already know my strengths and weaknesses, and love me anyway.  And if you're one of those people that I don't already know me and are reading this blog, I hope you will feel like you're one of my friends, too.

I hope to write a few times a week.  I'll share something that amused me that day, or a recipe, or a diatribe on the frustration of being a stay-at-home mom.  I will share some of myself, and look forward to hearing from some of you when something struck a chord in you, or when you tried my favorite recipe and loved it, too!

The title of my blog is Accidentally A Stay-at-Home Mom, because I TOTALLY NEVER planned on being a stay-at-home mom.  My entire childhood was spent thinking about the wonderful career I was going to have, and how I would never have to rely on a man to pay my bills.

Ha, Ha, Ha, says God.  And my mom.

Which brings me to the second part of this first post, the open letter to my mom.

Dear Mom,

Thank you for staying home with me and my brother.  I probably never thanked you for that before, and you were really amazing.  I took you for granted, and questioned why in the world a woman would choose to stay at home rather than work in the real world.  I thought to myself, "I will NEVER BE JUST a housewife!"

And here I am, on year seven of being JUST a housewife (although I do prefer the title stay at home mom).  And there's nothing JUST about this job.  It is hard, in some ways harder than being a work outside the home mom (although I guess I only had four months of that to compare this with).

My house will never be as neat as yours, or as clean as yours (as I said so many years ago, I don't see dirt!).  But I have learned why it is important to clean and neaten up your spaces.  If we have living plants, and a landscaped backyard, that is all due to my husband.  We can laugh about this now, which is good!  But I am sure both of us remember when we fought all the time about my messiness.

I did inherit your love of cooking and baking.  It always puzzles me when people say that they don't cook or bake, or feel comfortable doing so, when I have always enjoyed reading recipes and trying new things.  They don't always work out, but I am never afraid to try!  I learned that from you and from my grandmothers.  I also learned to fix enough to feed the thrashers, rather than the actual number of people coming to my house.  It's lucky my family likes leftovers!

And I hope that I do as great a job of raising my son as you did raising me and my brother.  Now I understand why staying at home is so appealing.  I love picking my son up from school, and watching his face light up when he tells me about his day.  I love helping him with his homework.  Okay, no, not really, but I love that I am able to help him with his homework in the afternoon, so he has the evening free to play and do fun things.  I love playing with him and watching his mind work while doing arts and crafts, or building with Legos, or riding his scooter.  I love the stories he makes up and the funny things he says.  I would hate to have missed some of that.

[Before someone gets upset, I am not saying that "working" moms don't get to do all of those things, too.  You do, and you do so much more that it amazes me that you squeeze it all in 24 hours.  I know I get more sleep than you do most nights!]

For our family, me staying home with our son is the right choice right now.  It was the right choice you, too, Mom, even though I didn't understand that at the time.  I can see now how volunteer work and social clubs gave you an outlet for adult conversation and feeling like you were a contributing member of society.  I love that you were involved with our schools, the PTA, and our church.  You were always there for us, even when we didn't appreciate it!

I know how hard it was to not slap my little self-righteous self when I discounted what you did for our family and didn't see the worth in being "just" a mom.  I don't remember you ever sitting me down and say, "Look, you silly girl.  One day YOU might find yourself with a demanding child who needs you more than your family needs your paycheck.  YOU might decide that while work is fulfilling, and what you do there is important to the world, the most important job you can ever have is as a parent.  YOU might have the luxury of choosing to stay home with your child so he gets the extra help he needs, while other parents work two and three jobs and worry that their child isn't getting enough help and they are falling behind."

Silly teenage me.  I know I can't go back and change my attitude then, but I can make amends by apologizing now.  You were, and are, a great mom.  We are lucky to have you.  I love you, Mom!

Your Daughter