Food Wars

Before I had my son, I watched other parents fight the Food Wars.  They threatened, they bargained, they made separate meals.

And I said, that will never be me.  MY child will eat what is on the table, or not at all!

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Every young child realizes that one of the few things they can truly control is what goes in their mouths, and when.  Children are little dictators, and so they are completely willing to fight trying a new food (or even eating a food they used to like, but now have decided they despise).  Hence, the Food Wars.  But what we do as parents can either sustain that war, or defuse the situation.

The bottom line is that what works for one child might not work for another, even in the same family. You can spend your meal time fighting, or you can find a compromise that works.  And our compromise is probably more radical that most.

Yes, I make my son his own meal almost every night.  Actually, it is every third night or so, because I make enough to last for three nights.  So how did this happen?

In our case, there are some mitigating factors that not everyone sees, which is why I think it is important to share why we chose the path we did.

1. My son has Sensory Processing Disorder.  New foods mean new textures.  From an early age, certain foods have made him gag or choke.  He seems to be outgrowing this, but I as a parent need to understand that it is not just him exerting control when he doesn't want to try a new food.  That food may have a strange look, or smell, or feel, that makes his brain send out signals that say, "DANGER!"  Even if your child doesn't have sensory issues, they still might have an aversion to certain smells and tastes and textures.
   
2. He eats healthier than we do.  So what does he eat every night?  I cook a chicken breast in olive oil and a spice mix every third night (frozen breasts, individually wrapped from BJ's Warehouse, that are already trimmed).  I cook a steam-in-the-bag veggie mix that includes broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots, or cook a can of carrots with a little brown sugar and cinnamon.  He also has eaten canned green beans and green peas in the past, but really prefers the steamed veggies.
   
3. The opposite side of the coin of #2 - what he doesn't like isn't exactly food I should be pushing him to eat on a regular basis.  He doesn't eat cheese, pasta, hamburgers, hot dogs, pizza or any kind of dipping sauce.  He eats raw carrots by themselves.  Should I push him to dip them in fat-drenched dressings just to expand his food repertoire? And he doesn't like juice, either.  Should I make him drink juice, rather than the much more healthy water and milk he does consume?
   A few months ago, we were attending a sacraments workshop at church with our son, and the pastor was talking about communion.  He passed around the bread, and each kid took some bread.  Then he passed around the grape juice cups.  My son said, very politely, "No thank you," and passed the juice cups on.  Yes, my child is the only kid who takes communion without the juice.  But hey, at least he was polite!
   
4. Cheese may or may not give him migraines.  We are pretty sure he had migraines when he was a baby (6-18 months).  They stopped after we stopped giving him Zantac for acid reflux, but one migraine incident happened after he ate some cheddar cheese.  Cheddar cheese is a known trigger for migraines, so do you think I am EVER going to push my child to eat cheddar cheese?
   
5. My husband and I get to eat what we enjoy (at home, at least).  We are never worried that something we pick isn't going to be something he will eat.

But I admit, there are downfalls to this, too.  Eating out is a pain.  Most children's menus are almost entirely made up of food he doesn't eat - pizza, mac and cheese, cheese quesadillas, hamburgers, hot dogs, grilled cheese sandwiches.  The one thing he will eat are chicken fingers and fries, which is not the most healthy choice (not that any of the other choices are all that healthy, either).  And some restaurants plop down the most unappetizing chicken nuggets that obviously have come from a bag in the freezer.  That does not make us want to come back!

My husband and I love Mexican, Thai, Chinese and Italian foods.  Our little guy doesn't like rice (it chokes him), beans, pasta or spicy foods.  That pretty much rules out our favorite things that we would LOVE to share with him.  That is really frustrating as a parent!

My biggest concern is that I want him to be able to go to a sleepover at a friend's house and not have to pack his own dinner.  I do not want to ask friends to cook a special meal for him.  I want him to go to parties and choose to eat one slice of pizza or a few bites of a hamburger (even if it isn't what he would choose to eat otherwise).  I want him to to be able to go into any restaurant and find something that he will eat.

But I also have to recognize that trying new foods is truly a scary experience for him.  That doesn't mean that he should always avoid them, but rather that he needs to set the pace.  No one wins in the Food Wars if every meal is a battle.

And that is true for any family, regardless of whether your child has sensory issues, or is just a picky eater, or is stubborn as a mule (or all three).  If all your child will eat is mac and cheese, then sneak some veggies in there.  If they only like chicken nuggets, then tell them that the store is out and they get grilled chicken strips instead.  What worked for us was telling him we were going to Disney World, and that Disney didn't serve nuggets for dinner.  He tried baked chicken, and has eaten ever since.  I know The Greatest Place on Earth probably would have served him nuggets (even if it wasn't on the menu), but, hey, it worked, and I am not going to feel bad about that!

In general, I agree with the principle of putting food on the table (making sure there is at least one thing your children will eat) and saying, this is dinner, eat or don't eat, but we're not going to whine about it or cry, or argue.  If your child truly has issues (like mine) then you probably have to take a gentler approach, and introduce foods more slowly.  But any time that all of your energy is focused on a child who isn't eating, and not on your own plate, is a losing proposition.

I have been told by parents with older children that he will eventually outgrow some of the sensory issues that have plagued him.  I can really see progress in the last couple of years (he ate a bite of rice without gagging! He eats deviled eggs!  He ate the crust off the slice of pizza!), which gives me hope that one day, when he is a teenager eating me out of house and home, I will look back fondly on the days he had his own meal and left ours alone!