Rocking Out with My Kid

I used to be a music connoisseur - I loved going to concerts and buying compilation CDs and searching the Internet to discover new artists. I still love finding new music and singing and dancing like no one is watching while I clean the house, but I find I have lost control of the music when my son is in the car.

Partly, this is because I don't want my son hearing (then repeating) certain lyrics. While I don't own many songs that are truly explicit, there are a lot of songs out there that mention grown-up things, or use words I would rather him not repeat.

In general, I consider myself a pretty liberal person. But when it comes to my kid and what he is exposed to, I find myself being much more conservative! As a teen, I thought the whole "explicit content" labeling campaign was offensive and stomping on my First Amendment rights. Now, as a parent, I get it. Do I really want to be playing a song about a stripper or wild sex (thank you, Bruno Mars, for those two gems on Unorthodox Jukebox) when my son can hear and repeat the lyrics? No, thank you, not even if he doesn't understand what he is singing.

My nephew, who is five, has spent the last two years obsessed with "Hotel California" and The Eagles (he also loves Eric Clapton, Darius Rucker and other great guitar players). There is nothing cuter than watching him sing "You can check out anytime you want, but you can never leeeave!" and doing a hair flip at the end. It is a great song, and I have no problem with my son and his cousin listening to it and singing along. But at some point, they are going to wonder what it means to check out and never leave, or to stab it with a knife, but never kill the beast. I'm not sure how you explain that to an elementary school aged child!

So we have found solace in the great kid's music that is available these days. When I was a child, I heard songs on Sesame Street, cartoons and movies, but never really had "my" music until I was in middle school and purchased my first record. Kids today are marketed to in an unbelievable way. Between Kidz Bop, Disney shows that spawn radio stars, and satellite radio, which has three whole channels devoted to kid's music, my son has a variety of choices that appeal to him.  Add in the music he got when he took Kindermusik classes, and the cds he gets each summer with Vacation Bible School, and he has more musical choices than I ever did as a child.

Some of the bands I loved in college (The Verve Pipe, They Might Be Giants, Lisa Loeb) released kid's albums after having children of their own. Other artists are new to me, but make music that has kid-friendly themes but parent-friendly, catchy tunes. We love Lunch Money, The Not Its!, Willy Fisher and Big Bang Boom, to name a few. As he gets older, he is really getting into Kidz Bop, which has kids singing cleaned-up versions of Top 40 music.

I want him to stay a kid for as long as he can. It won't be long before he is wanting to be like the "big" kids and listen to actual Top 40 radio (or country, or rock) all the time. So why not enjoy the kid-friendly lyrics while I can?

Now when I am searching for new music, sometimes it is not for me, but for my son. I love surprising him with new music we can listen to together. I hope we can continue to connect via music as he gets older, although I am sure we won't always agree on what is good music. After all, every adult thinks the next generation's music is just a lot of noise, right? Except the cool parents, like me.

Yeah, I can dream...

The Tough Conversations

As a parent, you know that you are going to have some tough conversations with your child.

I don't actually remember having "the talk" with my parents, but I do remember having conversations over the years about dating, sex, race, politics, religion, and other taboo topics. I would say for most families, there isn't just one "talk," but rather a number of conversations over the years that help shape a child's view of the world.

My parents were open about what they believed, and why, and also how events in their lives had shaped their views. They recognized the prejudices they had - after all, they had grown up in a mostly segregated South. But they also told me that no matter what, they would love me and accept me and whoever I chose to date, as long as that person treated me well.

Times have changed a lot since I was a child. Dating is now antiquated; there is a culture of hook ups and casual relationships that seems crazy to me. When I was in high school, I don't think I knew anyone who was openly gay or transgender (although it wouldn't have bothered me if I had). Now high schools have gay/lesbian/transgender clubs.

When I married my husband, I married into a family who had already struggled with a non-traditional relationship. My husband's uncle is gay. He came out to his family in the late '70s. I cannot imagine the personal strength it took to do so, as his father was a minister.

I won't go into the details, but the end result is that my husband's family decided that love was more important than what society said was "right." They discovered they weren't the only Christians, or the only minister, who had a gay child. They wrestled with what they had been told the Bible said, what the Bible actually said, and what learned Biblical scholars said about homosexuality. They forged a path and shared what they learned so others would have an easier time. They stood up for their beliefs, and, at times, suffered for it.

I also am a proud Presbyterian, and one of the things I love about my church is that we are "reformed, and always reforming." That means that we, as a church, continue to try to discern God's will in the world, and question how we as a church treat "others" - those who are different than us in some way.

Some Presbyterian churches are liberal, while others are conservative. Many, like ours, are a mixture of both. We can co-exist in the same church family, agreeing to disagree about some things, but in harmony on the big stuff (God is omnipresent, Jesus is his Son, we are to love God and love each other).

So it is no surprise that I have had some interesting discussions at church, and other places, about homosexuality. I have made my views clear and have been asked how I will explain his (gay) uncles to my son as he gets older.

In our minds, there is nothing to explain. His gay uncles simply are part of the family. We are presenting their relationship as just one of the different types of love in the world.

However, I do find myself starting to explain things to my son, now that he is in school. He is trying to figure out relationships - mother, father, sister, brother, grandparents, aunts, uncles... it can be confusing. He gets that Grandma and Papa are married, and they are his daddy's parents. But he still doesn't always get the pronoun correct when speaking about neighbors (for instance, he says that one of our neighbor's husband is her dad, no matter how many times I correct him).

So when he asks who he will marry when he gets older, I tell him I don't know. He says he wants to marry me (what mother doesn't melt when her son says that???), so I explain to him that you don't marry your parents, but someone close to your own age. I tell him that usually, men fall in love with women, and vice versa, but not always. I ask him if he can think of a relationship in his family where two men are married. He says, no, and I say, "What about your uncles?" and he says, "Oh yeah!" And for now, that is the end of that conversation.

When we are playing The Game of Life board game, which he loves, I ask him when he gets to the married square if he wants to marry a man or a woman. He looked at me a little funny the first time I asked him, and said, "I'm a boy, so I marry a girl." I reminded him of his uncles, and he said, "Oh yeah!" again, but still chose to marry a girl in the game. And for now, that is the end of that conversation.

When he gets older, we will tell him what our family believes, and why. But we also will tell him that other people believe different things. We believe we are right, but so do they. Only God really knows what God believes. I guess we'll find out when we go to heaven, but not before, so we don't judge others. We don't say mean things about other people (even if they say mean things about you). We love everyone, even our enemies, because that is what Jesus said to do.

And that is what I think all parents should say to their children. "I believe _________, and I believe that because of ______________. However, there are other people in the world who do not believe as we do. We think we are right, but so do they. So we are not mean, or hateful to those who believe differently. We treat them with respect and love them, even if we disagree with them, because that is what Jesus did."

I hope that helps him as he deals with kids who tell him his family is weird, or wrong, or sinful, or going to hell. It probably won't - he will still feel hurt, scared, and maybe even mad that his family isn't "normal."

But I also want him to know, from the get go, that it is okay to be different. You don't have to like the same kind of music, or clothing, or activities, as your classmates. As long as you are happy doing what you love, and you find friends who share your loves, then you will have a good life.

I also want him to know that he is loved by his parents and his family, and we will love him forever, no matter what. There are too many kids in the world who are told that they must fit into a certain mold, or else the love of their family will be withheld. I don't have the statistics in front of me, but a rather large percentage of teens who are homeless are gay, and have been turned out of their homes by the very people who ought to love them unconditionally. Suicide rates are higher in homosexual teens and young adults as well, because of the pain of rejection of loved ones.

If you don't know anyone who is gay, I bet your child or grandchild will. It might be someone who you love like a son or daughter because of their friendship with your child. While I hope that some people's minds will be changed when the gay person is a friend, rather than an "other," past experiences tell me that will not always happen. But I will keep hoping, and keep having those tough conversations, because I think it is important.

It is important that people know that not all Christians believe that homosexuality is wrong. It is important that people know that some churches preach acceptance rather than hatred. It is important that my son's friends know that our house is a safe place, where they can be who they are and no one will judge them.

It is important, and so I will keep having tough conversations, with my child, and with others in my community. It is too important to keep quiet.

Deja Vu All Over Again

Dear kiddo,

I see how you look at me sometimes, like I'm a grownup, and there's no way I can understand what it is like to be a kid. It is hard to imagine your mom and dad as kids.

But believe me when I say we once were young, just like you.

We thought our parents were old-fashioned, and didn't understand anything, just like you. (Side note: if you ever really want to laugh, search for "Parents Just Don't Understand" by Will Smith on YouTube. Yes, before he was a mega-movie star, he was a teen rapper. Your parents knew every word. If you really want to be embarrassed, we'll sing it for you.)

You see, there's this thing called genetics. Simply put, you are a combination of us, and our families, and all the strengths and weaknesses we have.

When you leave your shoes (or your toys or your papers or your stuffed animal) in the middle of the floor, or in the wrong room, and you can't understand why it is a big deal, I understand. I did that, too.

When you say you hate to clean, I understand. I do, too.  Even now.  Even when I know it has to be done, and I am happier with a clean(er) house, I hate it. With a passion.

When you fight me on trying something new, like learning to tie your shoes, I understand. I didn't wear contacts for years because I was too afraid. Of what, I'm not sure. 

When you sit down to do your homework, and you look at me like I am stabbing daggers in your heart when I say you have to do every problem on the math sheet, that's your dad in you. When you start crying because I make you rewrite an entire sentence because your handwriting is messy, that is from me (well, your daddy doesn't have legible handwriting either, but in an entirely different way).

When you wake up early and can't get back to sleep, because it's morning and you aren't supposed to spend time in bed once it is morning, well, that is your father. I have no part in that.

So you see, I do understand. But as a parent, as an adult, I have a new perspective. I try to remind myself what it feels like to be a kid. During homework time, I give you breaks. I allow some chaos in certain areas of the house so you can continue to play without feeling like you're constantly having to pick up toys. But there are still rules, because, as an adult, I realize that parents do know what they are talking about (at least sometimes).

We really don't want ants, or worse, in our house because we didn't clean up our dishes or mop the floor. I, personally, am okay if Curious George hangs out on the couch, but you have to have him to sleep, and we don't want to spend every night searching for him when you should be in bed. It is no fun to have to write your sentence again, but if you don't, your teacher won't be able to read what you wrote, and you really do have something great to share with the world. I don't want you to miss out because your handwriting is messy. And homework has to be done, correctly, to establish good study habits, and because even though you may understand the concepts, you hurry through and make careless errors sometimes (just like your mom).

I consider myself a pretty cool parent, and I hope you do, too. I know you don't like it when I sing or dance. But I want to be silly with you, laugh with you, have fun with you. I know as you reach your tween and teen years, I will seem even less cool than I do now. That's okay.

Being a parent is tough. But being a kid is pretty tough sometimes, too. I haven't forgotten. I love you bushels!

The Joy of Reading

I am a voracious reader. The librarians know me well, and I am sure would worry about me if they didn't see me one month (or several times a month).

So I decided to share my favorite authors today. I hope you will find a new favorite in them!

Andrew Greeley - When Father Greeley passed away last year, I was sad, mostly because I had always meant to write him a note and tell him how much I enjoyed his writing. He was a very interesting man: a Catholic priest who wrote fiction novels about everything from love to pressing social issues to controversial Catholic doctrines.  He wrote mostly about Irish families in the Chicago area (since that is the world he lived in), and there are many that deal with World War II and the tumultuous '60s.  He has a few series (Blackie Ryan mysteries, Nuala Anne McGrail Irish mysteries) and then a lot of stand-alone books.  I love the Irish mysteries with Nuala Anne McGrail, but the ones about the Catholic church really speak to me. I am not Catholic, so seeing the inner workings of the choosing of a pope (White Smoke) is fascinating. I also love that he did not turn a blind eye to the failings of his church (The Priestly Sins, The Cardinal Sins) or to politics (The Senator and the Priest).  But even when he was pointing out the flaws of the Catholic church, his overwhelming faith and love of the church and God shone through, and he was never preachy.

Jasper Fforde - I already sang his virtues on my list of favorite YA novelists, but Fforde began as an adult fiction author. He writes quirky books that have a lot of inside jokes for literature lovers. He defies categorization, unless you create a category called science fiction/fantasy/mystery/satire.  I love his Thursday Next series of novels (The Eyre Affair is the first in the series), and his series of YA novels, The Chronicles of Kazam (The Last Dragonslayer is the first book). I am less fond of the Nursery Crime series and Shades of Grey, but they are enjoyable as well.

Louise Penny - I love mystery novels. I love getting to know characters over a long story arc. And Louise Penny's Inspector Gamache series gives you a chance to get to know a whole village of characters over a period of several books. What sets Penny's books above many mysteries is her incredible ability to delve deep into a character. There is no good guys and bad guys, but instead flawed human beings who are mostly good, but sometimes do bad things: for love, to protect themselves, out of selfishness.  Still Life is the first of this series and once you read one, you'll be clamoring for the next!

Honorable Mentions in the Mystery Category: Dana Stabenow, Julia Spencer-Fleming, Margaret Maron

Alan Bradley - His series about young chemist and troublemaker Flavia de Luce is fantastic. The heroine has a very unusual family, and solves mysteries in the charming village of Bishop's Lacey while concocting potions to poison her sisters (who give as good as they get), bolstering her family's shell-shocked servant, and finding a way to keep their family home. The first in the series is The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie.

Lisa Lutz - The Spellman Files series is similar to the Flavia de Luce series above, in that the main characters are women that are smart and fearless and solving family crises. Izzy Spellman is one of family of private investigators who are all expected to contribute the the family business (even her 14 year old sister Rae). They investigate each other as much as they do others (and use blackmail the way other families use conversations around the dinner table).

Sarah Addison Allen - This NC author writes books that teem with magic, yet its characters inhabit a world very much like ours. Her first book, Garden Spells, has an apple tree that can tell you your future and flowers that can heal. Lost Lake is one of my favorites, with an unusual set of cabins around a lake in Georgia where some lost souls are drawn to help each other.

Meg Wolitzer - The Ten Year Nap is one of my favorite books. Wolitzer writes about the (familiar to me) world of stay-at-home moms that find that, after ten years, they are increasingly not needed by their children, forgotten by ex-coworkers, and striving to find some relevancy in a life that has been centered around their children. Their feminist mothers don't understand their decision to give up on "having it all," yet they don't know if "having it all" is even possible. This hits very close to home for me, as I try to figure out what I will do "next" now that my child is in elementary school.  I also just finished her first YA novel, Belzhar, and enjoyed it as well. In Belzhar, she wrote a book that would resonate with teens, and has the angst, the requisite love story and the family dysfunctions, but she manages to turn those tired plot lines on their heads and write a compelling story.

That's my list, at least for now :-).  Share with me some of your favorites!

Prosperity for the New Year

As we ate our traditional New Year's dinner - collard green and black eye pea stew, cornbread muffins and homemade macaroni and cheese - I tried to explain to my son why we eat those foods on this day. (For the record, he ate none of them himself, other than ham, which is on his "approved" list.)

I told him that you eat them to have a prosperous new year, that supposedly, they bring you good luck, good fortune, and money.

But then I began to think about what prosperity would mean to our family, and what it might mean to another family we encountered this holiday season.

Our Sunday School class decided to adopt a Christmas Cheer family. In adopting them, we provided toys, clothing and other needs and wants for the children of the family, as well as a few things for the adults, and gift cards to a local grocery store so they could have a wonderful holiday meal.

Several families participated, and a few of us spent one Sunday morning wrapping the gifts. We joked that these kids were getting more presents under the tree than ours would.

But when I look back on it, I see that statement wasn't true, not really.

The members of my Sunday School class are blessed enough to do things like limit the amount of presents from Santa (three, since that is how many baby Jesus received from the Wise Men). That doesn't include the gifts from Mom and Dad, or grandparents, or aunts and uncles, and family friends. My child received a ton more from "others" than from Santa.  Really, he gets too much, so much that some things aren't even played with.

We are fortunate enough that if Santa didn't bring my son a new pair of shoes for Christmas (which he desperately needed), we could have gone out the next day and bought him a pair without worrying that we wouldn't be able to pay our rent the next month or miss a payment on the power bill.

My son didn't get any clothes under the tree, but that is because his drawers are already overflowing. He didn't get a coat, but that is because he already has several. He didn't ask for an iPad Mini, but that is because he uses mine all the time (and one of our resolutions for the New Year might be to limit that a bit...).

My point is, we are already prosperous. We already have wealth. We not only could provide for our own family this Christmas, but we could also help provide for another family.

We are lucky, and blessed, and we thank God every day for it. But what about that other family? What did they do wrong to not "earn" prosperity? It is a difficult question.

I won't pretend to understand how God works, how some people can be born with so much going for them, and others with nothing. I know that while some people do succeed in this world despite being born poor, the majority never do escape the cycle of poverty.

My son hasn't asked many questions yet about us providing gifts for another family. I was waiting for the, "but won't Santa bring them those toys?" but he didn't ask. I have an answer ready, that Santa can only bring a few toys to each child, and the family provides the rest. But that doesn't answer the underlying question: why isn't every family like my own?

How do you explain privilege to a child? I always explain to him why we are donating something, that there are people who are less fortunate than us who can use it and cannot afford it. But I really don't think he understands yet. He has seen that some of his classmates have just one parent, or divorced parents, but he doesn't understand the impact that makes in their lives. He has been told that some do not have enough food at home, but he doesn't understand why they don't just go to the grocery store like we do.

I am not sure I understand, either.

It is hard to take away the lens of prosperity. I have never wanted for anything in my life. I never doubted I would go to college. I never doubted that I could get a good job and support myself. If I was late in paying a bill, it wasn't because there wasn't enough money, but rather that I forgot to pay it, or lost it in the mess that was my apartment. I had credit card debt for a time, and some of it was medical bills, but some of it was because I bought things that were wants, not needs, that cost more than I should have spent that month.

I have never lived in poverty. I never worried that I wouldn't have enough food to eat, or a place to sleep, or whether my parents would care for me that day or throw me away like a piece of trash. There is no way for me to wrap my mind around the fact that children are going hungry, being abused, and being moved around because they don't have a home.

The closest experience I have (and this is laughable) is when I backpacked with my (future) husband around Great Britain after we finished college. We carried all we had on our backs. We arrived places without knowing where we would sleep that night. We stayed in hostel bunk rooms with strangers. We conserved our money and tried to find interesting places to eat that didn't cost too much or require us to dress up. We spent time in some museums simply because it was a chance to put down the pack for awhile and warm up or get out of the rain.

But the difference was, we chose to do this. At any time, we could whip out a credit card and fly home. We chose some nights to spend a little more and get a private room at a hostel or even splurge on a B&B. We had extra money to go see a Shakespeare play outdoors and Phantom of the Opera in London.

And in the end, I joked that I would never travel like that again. The uncertainty drove me crazy. I like knowing where I am going to sleep, and where I am going each day. The thought that people actually live like this every day never even crossed my mind.

So what will prosperity mean to our family this year? It will mean doing more for others so they can share in our abundance, even if we feel like we are only helping a little. It is continuing to educate ourselves on what we can do to give people a hand up so they can stand on their own two feet. It is raising our child to be aware of his privilege and encouraging him to give back as well.

I will make my typical New Year's resolutions (eat healthier, exercise more, worry less), but I also will resolve to organize some sort of service project for our Sunday School class and our families each quarter (I would say monthly, but quarterly seems more doable, so we'll start there). I resolve to notice people who are living on the fringes, to smile at the homeless people who gather at the library each day, instead of bustling by them, focusing on what I need to do that day. I resolve to continue to volunteer frequently as a part of our county's Service League - this is my last year, and I could just coast through, but I won't.

And I challenge you to make a difference in your community as well. What can we accomplish if we all work together???