The Tough Conversations

As a parent, you know that you are going to have some tough conversations with your child.

I don't actually remember having "the talk" with my parents, but I do remember having conversations over the years about dating, sex, race, politics, religion, and other taboo topics. I would say for most families, there isn't just one "talk," but rather a number of conversations over the years that help shape a child's view of the world.

My parents were open about what they believed, and why, and also how events in their lives had shaped their views. They recognized the prejudices they had - after all, they had grown up in a mostly segregated South. But they also told me that no matter what, they would love me and accept me and whoever I chose to date, as long as that person treated me well.

Times have changed a lot since I was a child. Dating is now antiquated; there is a culture of hook ups and casual relationships that seems crazy to me. When I was in high school, I don't think I knew anyone who was openly gay or transgender (although it wouldn't have bothered me if I had). Now high schools have gay/lesbian/transgender clubs.

When I married my husband, I married into a family who had already struggled with a non-traditional relationship. My husband's uncle is gay. He came out to his family in the late '70s. I cannot imagine the personal strength it took to do so, as his father was a minister.

I won't go into the details, but the end result is that my husband's family decided that love was more important than what society said was "right." They discovered they weren't the only Christians, or the only minister, who had a gay child. They wrestled with what they had been told the Bible said, what the Bible actually said, and what learned Biblical scholars said about homosexuality. They forged a path and shared what they learned so others would have an easier time. They stood up for their beliefs, and, at times, suffered for it.

I also am a proud Presbyterian, and one of the things I love about my church is that we are "reformed, and always reforming." That means that we, as a church, continue to try to discern God's will in the world, and question how we as a church treat "others" - those who are different than us in some way.

Some Presbyterian churches are liberal, while others are conservative. Many, like ours, are a mixture of both. We can co-exist in the same church family, agreeing to disagree about some things, but in harmony on the big stuff (God is omnipresent, Jesus is his Son, we are to love God and love each other).

So it is no surprise that I have had some interesting discussions at church, and other places, about homosexuality. I have made my views clear and have been asked how I will explain his (gay) uncles to my son as he gets older.

In our minds, there is nothing to explain. His gay uncles simply are part of the family. We are presenting their relationship as just one of the different types of love in the world.

However, I do find myself starting to explain things to my son, now that he is in school. He is trying to figure out relationships - mother, father, sister, brother, grandparents, aunts, uncles... it can be confusing. He gets that Grandma and Papa are married, and they are his daddy's parents. But he still doesn't always get the pronoun correct when speaking about neighbors (for instance, he says that one of our neighbor's husband is her dad, no matter how many times I correct him).

So when he asks who he will marry when he gets older, I tell him I don't know. He says he wants to marry me (what mother doesn't melt when her son says that???), so I explain to him that you don't marry your parents, but someone close to your own age. I tell him that usually, men fall in love with women, and vice versa, but not always. I ask him if he can think of a relationship in his family where two men are married. He says, no, and I say, "What about your uncles?" and he says, "Oh yeah!" And for now, that is the end of that conversation.

When we are playing The Game of Life board game, which he loves, I ask him when he gets to the married square if he wants to marry a man or a woman. He looked at me a little funny the first time I asked him, and said, "I'm a boy, so I marry a girl." I reminded him of his uncles, and he said, "Oh yeah!" again, but still chose to marry a girl in the game. And for now, that is the end of that conversation.

When he gets older, we will tell him what our family believes, and why. But we also will tell him that other people believe different things. We believe we are right, but so do they. Only God really knows what God believes. I guess we'll find out when we go to heaven, but not before, so we don't judge others. We don't say mean things about other people (even if they say mean things about you). We love everyone, even our enemies, because that is what Jesus said to do.

And that is what I think all parents should say to their children. "I believe _________, and I believe that because of ______________. However, there are other people in the world who do not believe as we do. We think we are right, but so do they. So we are not mean, or hateful to those who believe differently. We treat them with respect and love them, even if we disagree with them, because that is what Jesus did."

I hope that helps him as he deals with kids who tell him his family is weird, or wrong, or sinful, or going to hell. It probably won't - he will still feel hurt, scared, and maybe even mad that his family isn't "normal."

But I also want him to know, from the get go, that it is okay to be different. You don't have to like the same kind of music, or clothing, or activities, as your classmates. As long as you are happy doing what you love, and you find friends who share your loves, then you will have a good life.

I also want him to know that he is loved by his parents and his family, and we will love him forever, no matter what. There are too many kids in the world who are told that they must fit into a certain mold, or else the love of their family will be withheld. I don't have the statistics in front of me, but a rather large percentage of teens who are homeless are gay, and have been turned out of their homes by the very people who ought to love them unconditionally. Suicide rates are higher in homosexual teens and young adults as well, because of the pain of rejection of loved ones.

If you don't know anyone who is gay, I bet your child or grandchild will. It might be someone who you love like a son or daughter because of their friendship with your child. While I hope that some people's minds will be changed when the gay person is a friend, rather than an "other," past experiences tell me that will not always happen. But I will keep hoping, and keep having those tough conversations, because I think it is important.

It is important that people know that not all Christians believe that homosexuality is wrong. It is important that people know that some churches preach acceptance rather than hatred. It is important that my son's friends know that our house is a safe place, where they can be who they are and no one will judge them.

It is important, and so I will keep having tough conversations, with my child, and with others in my community. It is too important to keep quiet.