Be a Light Bearer

Recently I picked up an old favorite book, A Ring of Endless Light by Madeleine L'Engle.

When I first read A Ring of Endless Light, I was a young teenager. I identified strongly with Vicky. I, too, loved to read and write poetry. I felt everything strongly, and wondered if I would ever find someone to love. I loved dolphins, and spending time with my family, and was pretty naive, much like Vicky (although she had much better luck with boys than I ever did).

When L'Engle came to my city, my mom took me to the local bookstore so I could hear her and have her sign my copy of the book.

She wrote, "Mary Beth: Be a light bearer. Madeleine L'Engle"

Be a light bearer. I love that phrase. To me, that says, keep being the light in others' lives. Keep some of that innocence and naivety, keep believing the goodness of others, keep fighting the good fight to help others.

As I re-read the book, I was struck, again, at L'Engle's beautiful wording and language. I still feel a little like Vicky, even though I am in a different stage of life now. Even though I have seen and experienced a lot more of life, I still believe in the inherent goodness of people.

So I take this charge from L'Engle, to be a light bearer, very seriously. And it is a charge, a commandment to go out into the world and be positive, be a light in the world, and also to stand up for what I believe.

And this is what is weighing heavily on my mind, as it is on many minds in N.C. - HB 2.

If you are living under a rock and haven't heard of it, this bill is also called the "Bathroom Bill," and is designed to do different things, depending on who you ask. The legislators who passed the bill, and the governor who signed the bill, say it is about protecting women and children in bathrooms and locker rooms. It was created to counteract a local Charlotte ordinance that allowed transgender individuals to use the bathroom/locker room of their choosing.

It has created a firestorm of criticism and, quite frankly, makes me sad. I don't want our state to be the butt of jokes on late night TV, boycotted by Bruce Springsteen and other performers, shunned by Fortune 500 companies, and seen as being backward, rather than progressive and modern yet still Southern.

But most of all, I hurt because I see people, Godly people even, putting things on Facebook about how boys should be boys and girls should be girls, and why are we even having this conversation because you should be happy with how God made you, and this law protects our children and why should I have to bend over backwards to accommodate someone else's "beliefs" when they could harm me and mine.

There are so many things wrong with these statements.

I don't happen to know anyone personally who is transgender (or if I do, I don't know it). But it doesn't take long to find articles and videos online that show, with no doubt whatsoever, that trans people have felt "wrong" since they were 3 or 4 years old (and by wrong, I do not mean that they are wrong or bad, but rather that their outside self and physical characteristics do not match their inner self).

I already put this on Facebook, in response to a video segment from 60 Minutes on a transgender swimmer at Harvard, but I will say it again. At 3 or 4 years old, you don't know about politics or gender identity. You watch Sesame Street and Super Why and Tom and Jerry cartoons. One day you're a pirate and the next day you're a princess and you're not worrying whether that fits your "gender." So if at 3 or 4 years old, you feel wrong in your body, and you continue to feel that way, then it isn't a fad, it isn't something you can pray away or ignore or repress. And if you do try to ignore it or repress it, you will make yourself sick, in mind and body. You are a transsexual person. That is how God made you. It is not a mistake, you are not a mistake, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I know this sounds crazy to people, because most of us have never felt this way. But imagine it is your child/grandchild/friend's child or grandchild. Imagine the pain they already feel because they are "different" in a world that does not always welcome different people. Look at statistics, and see the (too-high) rate of suicide in trans teens and young adults. Listen to the insistence of a six year old child who knows in her heart she was born the wrong gender and imagine how horrible her life will be if she is told over and over again that her feelings do not matter and she is a boy, and she needs to get over this nonsense because she should be happy at how God made her.

Imagine that instead of talking about some nameless, faceless person out there in the world, you are talking about someone's son or daughter, someone who is loved and cherished, someone who matters to God.

Then look at this law and see it as the slap in the face it is to the LGBTQIA community. Realize that, furthermore, it is a slap in the face to all towns and cities, who are being told they cannot create their own nondiscrimination policies that go further than the state's policy. See that most companies realize that it is bad for business to purposefully (and it was purposefully) exclude LGBTQIA from discrimination protections in our state. And see that taking away the ability of EVERYONE to sue workplaces for discrimination in state court and make them pay more and do more to bring a suit in federal court is harmful for the entire state. See this bill as a response to fear over a bogeyman that does not exist and a cover for a strong dislike (even a hate) towards those who are different.

But let's talk about that bogeyman, because that is what people are hiding behind in supporting this bill. This protects the women and children, they say. How?

How does this keep a molester out of the bathroom? "Gee, now that there's this law here, I guess I won't go into that girls' room." Nope, I am not that naive. So if you were afraid that some molester would take advantage of this nondiscrimination policy and walk into the ladies room, saying they were transgender, what stops them from doing the EXACT same thing right now?

"Excuse me, but aren't you a man? This is the Ladies Room."

"No, ma'am. I am actually transgender, so while I have male characteristics, I was actually born a female and belong in this bathroom, according to the law."

Are you going to ask for proof? How are you going to ask for proof? Are we all going to be carrying around birth certificates, proof of physicals, or be branded in some way, male or female?

This is a slippery slope and it goes nowhere good. The policy of schools and public facilities (and private facilities and businesses) should always be that if there is anyone who makes you uncomfortable in a bathroom, then go find someone who can help. It shouldn't matter if that person is the same gender as you, or a different gender. If they are in the bathroom and not doing bathroom things, and are staring, taking pictures or otherwise making you uncomfortable, speak up. Walk out. Find someone who can help.

And if you are a parent, and you don't feel comfortable sending your child into a restroom by themselves, find a family bathroom, or a single room bathroom that you can use with your child or stand outside of it and keep watch. I know that isn't always possible, but in most circumstances, you can find one somewhere.

As a parent, it is a fine line to walk between arming our children with helpful information and scaring them. I don't want to scare my child into being afraid of public restrooms (the self-flushing toilets and loud hand dryers do a good enough job of that on their own). But I do feel a bit uncomfortable sending him into the changing room at the public pool by himself. So I do need to give him the "talk" before this summer so he understands when to get an adult if he feels uncomfortable.

But that has nothing to do with transsexual people, or gay people. They are no more likely to be molesters than heterosexual people. And let's be honest. This bill is not about protecting women and children against the bogeyman. It is about leaving out LGBTQIA people out of the nondiscrimination policies in the state.

There are people who say that statistics show assaults go up after passing these types of laws. Great, then let's do something about that. Spend more money on education, so schools can afford school resource officers full time and for any after-school activity. Hire more police officers to patrol the streets. Offer training for all adults who work with children to spot suspicious activity (because while stranger danger is real, most assaults are by someone the child or woman knows). Budget more money for the local sexual assault center and the nonprofits that work to combat assaults. For that matter, teach children about how to treat the opposite sex, how to love one another and not judge others, how to be a friend and not a bully, how we are all different but that doesn't make us less than or more than others. There are so many things that can be done other than pass a law that doesn't actually do anything to stop an assault.

Be a light bearer in the world. Stand up for the little guy. Offer him/her the same protections you would offer anyone else. Substitute the word "Christian" or "Jewish" or "black" or "white" or "woman" or "man" or "older adult" or "people with red hair" for LGBTQIA, and see how you would feel if you were purposefully left out of the nondiscrimination policy.

We are not this. That has been the refrain from ,many North Carolinians. But right now, we ARE this, and until we stand up and let those in the legislature and governor's mansion know that this is not who we want to be, North Carolina will be defined by their actions.

There Are Horses In There!

I am taking a break from writing my first grad school paper to write... a blog post.

It seems counter-intuitive, but writing my blog is definitely a different experience than writing a paper. No citations, no checking to make sure I have formatted things correctly... this is the part of school I was not looking forward to when I began!

But I have had a topic on my mind for awhile now, and I wanted to share.

Every day, I drive the same route to take my son to school and pick him up. So in 2 1/2 years, I've probably passed by this same corner, with a stoplight, hundreds and hundreds of times.

About a month ago, I noticed movement out of the corner of my eye. I looked over to my right, and lo and behold, there are (miniature) horses in the yard, right beyond the fence.

Horses. I think there's four of them, but there may be five. It is hard to see, as you go by or even if you're stopped at the light, the entire yard and count them.

You'd think that I would notice horses, even very small ones, before now. I have, after all, lived in this town for almost 12 years. This lot is on a busy residential street, and while the fence has a lot of vines and bushes to cover portions of it, once you see the horses, you cannot imagine how you didn't see them before.

But isn't that how life is? There are little moments of grace and joy that we, as busy people, rush by and pay no attention to, until something literally or figuratively nudges us to notice.

Now, every time I go by, I look to see if the horses are out and about. My son looks, too. They are about the size of a large dog, and I keep imagining why they are there. Does the owner rent them for parties for little kids? Are they raised as therapy animals or service animals? Are they simply beloved pets of someone who lives adjacent to this lot?

Can I go pet them someday?

But the bigger question is, what else am I missing because my eyes are focused on the prize? Stop and smell the roses, they tell us, but then they also tell us to work hard, play hard, and to lean in, and that we can be anything we want if we just work hard enough.

I have been fortunate enough to stay home with my son for eight years now. There have been times when I have despaired that I would ever have time for myself, or uninterrupted adult conversation, again. (And I only have one kid. I know many moms with two, three or more kids vying for their time). But I have also reveled in the moments when I get to sit outside on a sunny day and play with my kid (or let him play while I soaked up the sun). I have loved taking him museums and other places and not having to deal with the weekend crowds.

Now, though, I am turning away from that life (very slowly) as I begin grad school. My life is busier than I would like at times. I have to let him fend for himself a lot while I read or work on a project for class. My ultimate goal of being a school librarian seems modest, considering all of the wonderful things you can do with a LIS degree. But being a school librarian (or school media specialist) will mean I will still have summers free, and will be, more or less, on the same schedule as my son. He will still benefit from my being there to help him with homework and take him to music lessons in the afternoons so his evenings can be free (or more free than they would if I worked in a different position).

There is nothing wrong with being ambitious. There is nothing wrong with doing something for yourself that might not be the "best" thing for others in your life. But there's also nothing wrong with choosing the slower path, the one that might not lead to promotions and big salaries, but does allow you to smell the roses sometimes.

I know a lot of women who have their own home businesses (jewelry, skin care and makeup, home produce delivery, exercise and health supplements, and so on). While I didn't think that was a good fit for me, it is a great opportunity for many women, mostly moms, to make money on their schedules, to still get to be a mom while making money. And isn't that what we all want to do - make enough money that we can enjoy our lives and spend time with our families and friends?

No matter which path you are on:

• Don't forget to look around and listen to your child tell you a story or see the picture she drew. 
• Don't forget to check in with a friend, just to say hi and reconnect, because it will make your soul smile. 
• Don't forget to take a moment to thank God or the universe or whatever you believe in for sunsets and tulips and beautiful vistas and yummy food and life-giving water and chocolate.
• Don't forget to set aside time to read, or do yoga, or binge-watch your favorite show, or cook a great dinner, or get a mani/pedi, or whatever else recharges your batteries.
• Don't forget the roses. And the horses. They are magic.