What I Believe

I said in my last post that I wanted to discuss what I believe, in light of what I believe about homosexuality and that I am a Christian. I think this is important for several reasons. One, often the only Christian viewpoint shared is one that says homosexuality is a sin, and many churches drive people away with this belief. Two, because people who believe differently than me probably don't understand why I don't see things the way they do. This is not a conversation one has over lunch (not usually, anyway), so the blog seems like a good way to share my story.

First of all, I am Presbyterian, but I do not speak for my denomination. Nor do I speak for my specific church. This is what I believe. I was shaped by the churches I have attended, but my theology is my own.

I am a Christian. I believe the Bible is holy, and that it is God's Word to us. But I also believe:

• that you have to look at the Bible as a whole (not just selected passages) to find God's word to you;
• that the Bible has to be read in context (i.e., what was happening when this passage was written that might have shaped the writers' views);
• that many of the stories of the Bible are just that - stories that were once part of an oral tradition that were eventually written down. They are included in the Bible because of the lessons they teach us, not as historical fact;
• that the Bible is meant to be read and interpreted by scholars not just once, but over and over again, in light of what we have learned and experienced in the world;
• that our understanding changes as we change as a world.

This is radically different than many people's view of the Bible. I understand that. But I am certainly not the only person who interprets the Bible this way, and on the spectrum, I am not the most liberal thinker on these issues.

So how did I get here? My parents are a great influence in my life. They taught me that I had to do what was right for me in any situation, but that just because Choice A was right for me doesn't mean that it is the only right choice. They also tried to teach me not to judge others (something I still fail at sometimes).

The church also has shaped me. I had a wonderful church family growing up. Honestly, I don't remember ever being told that certain groups were sinners or certain actions would send me straight to Hell. Instead, I remember being taught to care for all people, to love everyone, even your enemies, and to make sure to help those who were disadvantaged in some way.

I was never told that homosexuality was a sin (or at least I don't remember that ever being a lesson in Sunday School or youth group). I knew the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. But when I was younger, that was pretty much all I knew the Bible said on that topic, and it wasn't ever anything that had been dwelt on. I knew Leviticus listed a bunch of rules early Jews were supposed to follow, but again, no one ever said those were rules we as modern Christians were supposed to follow. I was taught that Jesus commanded us to love God with all your heart, soul and mind, and love your neighbor as yourself, and if you were doing that, then you were doing what pleased God.

I went to college, and met people who were gay. They were just like everyone else. Some were great people, others were not. I don't think I ever really thought of them as being any more sinful than myself, because of who they were attracted to. I think, if I had been asked point-blank, do you believe that homosexuality was a sin, I would have said no, because of what I felt in my heart.

But then, as a young adult, I decided to really read the Bible and see what it said. I read commentators that poked holes in the "the Bible says it is a sin" argument.  And I began to think, what do I really believe is the truth?

And what I believe is that God made us in his/her image. God is not a human, and we cannot understand God. We can catch glimpses in sunrises and sunsets, the perfection of a spherical shell, the smile of a child, the taste of homemade ice cream. But we cannot confine God into a human brain, a human understanding of the world. God is just too big for that. We are the shadows of God, the small pieces. So if our love is just a fragment of God's love, how can God ever turn his back on any of his creations? It doesn't make sense. So saying that someone is an abomination for loving another person and wanting to spent the rest of his/her life with him/her seems very judgmental for the God I know.

Nor do I think God makes mistakes. So if you believe, as as I do, that homosexuality is not a choice, but rather is something you are (genetically/biologically/chemically), then you would be saying God made a mistake in his creation of that person. As we study the human genome, we are realizing that there are a lot of "mistakes" in our genetic code. There are differences between parents, children, siblings, cousins, etc., that you might not expect. Some genetic anomalies are immediately recognizable (like Down Syndrome), while others are not found until you or someone you love has a life-changing event (such as breast cancer). We don't think God made a mistake when we look at someone with Down Syndrome or breast cancer, so why do we look at homosexuality as a mistake?

I've seen people use this same argument to argue the other side (i.e., God doesn't make mistakes, so if you are gay, or transgender, the problem is with you, not with God, because he didn't make you that way). But more and more people are looking around them, meeting people who are openly gay or transgender, getting to know their stories, and realizing that they have always, always, been gay or transgender. If they made a "choice," they made it when they were babies.

When I look at the specific Bible verses that condemn homosexuality, here is my interpretation:

• God didn't punish Sodom and Gomorrah because there were same-sex couples living there. He punished them because they were having orgies, raping visitors, and were not living faithful lives. They were Sinners with a capital S. And they were given the opportunity to repent, and did not.
• The rules in Leviticus? Yes, it says sodomy is sinful. It also says it is a sin for men to cut their hair and trim their beards, to sow fields with different kinds of seeds, to wear clothes made of different kinds of fiber, to eat pork and shellfish, and for women to leave their hair uncovered. We don't follow these rules now, because they were rules for a certain community at a certain time. Some of them are still applicable to modern life; a lot are not. Do you make burnt sacrifices every month? Yeah, me neither.
• Furthermore, you have to understand the reasoning behind the laws. The rule against divorce (according the scholars) was not to punish couples who wanted/needed a divorce for good reason, but to stop men from marrying virgins, defiling them, then returning them to their parents as used goods for no reason, utterly ruining their chances of a happy life. Ditto on the "eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth" - it was not meant to encourage revenge, but rather to curb it, as people were killing each other over minor offenses. So let's look at homosexuality. The Jewish people were told that God told their ancestor Abraham that he would make a nation out of his descendants. Therefore, a good Jew's purpose in life (to an extent, at least) was to get married, have a lot of children, and continue the line so God's purpose would be fulfilled. So a relationship between two men or two women that could not produce children would be seen as, yes, sinful. But that does not apply to modern times.
• Paul spoke against homosexuality. But he also spoke against women speaking in church. He wasn't a fan of marriage, either, but he preferred that to living in sin. He truly believed that Jesus was going to come back in his lifetime, so he didn't see the reason to get married. He also wrote those letters to specific churches, for specific issues that church was having. That information has been lost to time, for the most part. So taking Paul's word as literal instructions is very problematic. While he meant for his letters to be read to churches, and shared, he didn't sit down and write the letters thinking they were going to be adopted as part of the official canon of Christianity. 

I think that covers all the "homosexuality is a sin" verses, but if not, let me know! Also, let me put the "one man, one woman" argument to rest. People say that the Bible says that marriage should be between one man and one woman. But that is not entirely true. David and Solomon both had multiple wives; Abraham had one wife, but also two concubines. There are a lot of examples of plural marriage in the Bible, yet most Christians (other than a few pockets of conservative Mormons) would think that was a sin. Again, this is an example of how cultures have changed from Biblical times to now. Women aren't mentioned a whole lot in the Bible, but most churches now accept that women are just as qualified as men to preach and lead. Culture has changed; therefore, our interpretation of the Bible has changed.

I want to broaden the discussion again from how I feel about homosexuality to how I read and interpret the Bible. As I said earlier, I believe it is the word of God. But that doesn't mean, in my mind, that it is literally the Word of God.

In college, I took a New Testament Lit class. It was a large lecture class with small sections we attended for deeper discussion. There were a small group of Christians who had huge issues with certain things the professor said, They would get really upset and argue with him, and at first, I really struggled with why. Then I realized that they believed the Bible was literally true.

I had never really thought about the Bible as being literally true. My religion did not hang on the fact that there really was this huge flood that covered the entire earth, and there really was a person named Noah, and he really saved 2 of each animal (or 7 pairs of clean animals and 1 of unclean animals, depending on which version of the story you read, and yes, there are two versions, interwoven, see Genesis 6:12, then Genesis 7, and you will see). The power of that story, at least for me, does not hinge on it actually happening (although I also accept the fact that it could have). The power is in the message it gives to us, and to all believers - God will see you through the rough patches, and there is always a rainbow at the end of the storm, and while your world may never be the same, it will still be a world in which you are loved by God.

In New Testament Lit, we talked about the Gospels, and how Matthew, Mark and Luke's accounts follow the same timeline, while John changed his to make Jesus' death coincide with the slaughter of the lambs for Passover. (All of the Gospels, in fact, have some differences with each other, because each was written for a different audience, by a different person, and for different reasons.) I thought that was really cool, and it made sense to me, as John is the Gospel writer who calls Jesus the Lamb of God. But the more fundamentalist Christians, however, completely lost it. Because if the timelines don't all line up, then the Bible can't be literally true, and THEN WHAT DO WE DO? WHAT DO WE BELIEVE?

I don't mean to make fun of people who believe this way, so I apologize if my capitalization makes it seem that way. I capitalized it because that portrays their reaction as best as I can in print format - they were very upset, crying, and loudly arguing with the professor.

I can see how this revelation might rock your world if you had always believed that if you didn't believe the Bible was literally true, then you weren't really saved, and you weren't really a Christian. I have read articles by conservative Christians saying that very thing. If you can't take the Bible literally, or you don't REALLY believe in everything it says, then you are shaking the very foundation of Christianity and belief.

I don't think so, and I think it is bad to teach kids that very black and white theology. I think it is bad because the first time they question something or are confronted with something (like in my New Testament Lit class), they fall apart. They think that they are on the way to Hell because their belief is built on never questioning, never analyzing what the Bible (or more accurately, their church and their pastor) says.

There was a young lady with whom I attended a Bible study in my dorm. She had two great choices of things to do that summer. I cannot remember what the choices were specifically, but my thought was that either would be God-approved. But she was paralyzed, thinking that one was the "right" choice and the other had to be wrong. She kept saying, "But what if I am supposed to meet my husband at Choice A and I go with Choice B?" "What if God's plan for me is that I go with Choice B and I choose A? The Bible says the path is narrow and I don't want to stray off of it!"

The rest of us kept telling her that life was more of a spiderweb than a path, that either choice would lead her to God, that if she was supposed to meet her husband at Choice A and chose Choice B, God would find another way for them to meet. But she was convinced that there had to be a signpost she was missing that would tell her the way God wanted her to go.

I also had an experience at a camp where I worked one summer when I was in college. It was a pretty conservative place. The leaders preached total abstinence from alcohol, and made a pretty convincing argument to the kids (aged 13-17). So convincing that later that night, there was a cabin full of 13 year old girls crying because their parents sometimes drank socially, and now they were convinced their parents were going to Hell.  Their counselors had to try to convince the girls that a drink every once in awhile if you are an adult is not a bad thing (even if that is not what the leader had said an hour ago).

While I would agree that no teen should be drinking, and we should do all we can to show them the risks of doing so, when you say no one should ever drink, because the wine Jesus drank was really watered-down and doesn't count, then you are setting kids up for failure. Kids are going to experiment, if not in high school, then in college, or beyond. If they believe the path is narrow, and it is easy to get lost from it, then when they do fail, they feel there is no way back. If I felt guilty having a drink after working at this camp, as a young adult, for two months, I cannot imagine how a child who had been told this all of his/her life would feel the first time they "sinned" and drank a glass of wine or a beer.

But for me, the Bible is not about the stories being true, but rather being vehicles that lead you to the truth. The story of Sarai struggling to get pregnant, then having a child at an advanced age is going to mean something different to young women in their teens and twenties than it does to older women, and something even more poignant to those who struggle with fertility. The Word of God is meant to be interpreted personally, because it is supposed to speak to you where you are, and with what you are struggling with, and give you what you need from God at that moment.

That doesn't mean we don't need church, or church leaders. That doesn't mean we don't need guidance and can't learn from those who study the Word extensively. That doesn't mean that my interpretation is right and yours is wrong. I may get to Heaven and find out I was wrong about all sorts of things. But I know I will be forgiven. Not because of what I did in this life, but because of God's grace.

So if you believe differently than I do about homosexuality, or the Bible, or any other subject, then all I ask of you is to respect my beliefs, and I will respect yours. Watch what you say, because you never know what another person's situation is, and how you might be insulting someone they love. Pray that our world can become one where differences don't lead to conflict and war. And love one another, as God loves you!

Kids Are Awesome

I know all you parents out there know that kids are awesome.

That doesn't mean they aren't stinkers sometimes. They aren't perfect. But every once in awhile, they do something so incredible, it takes down barriers. Shatters walls. Makes people really think.

I think this boy Jacob epitomizes that concept:

If you haven't seen this story yet, Jacob (on the left) is straight; his best friend Anthony is gay. Anthony was sad because he didn't have a prom date. Jacob thought, what can I do to make my best friend happy? Well, I can ask him to prom.

So that is what he did, making this adorable sign:

Awesome.

I know that I have friends who agree with me that homosexuality is not a sin, and other friends who do think it is a sin but don't judge, and still other friends who think that it is a major sin and about to make our society collapse. I don't expect that everyone is going to agree with me, and that this story alone is going to change their minds.

But you have to admit, it is pretty awesome.

These boys didn't do this as a publicity stunt, or to rub it in others' faces that they think that being gay is okay. They were shocked that so many people saw the picture and made a big deal about it. For them, it was just about enjoying a high school tradition with their best friend. 

The video below is great, because you can see how much love they have for each other (philia love, to go back to what I learned in Sunday School, the kind of love you have for your fellow man). 

My favorite part is when they are talking about dancing a slow dance, and "leaving room for the Holy Spirit" between them. HILARIOUS.

But the real message, at least for me, is that this is TOTALLY normal for these kids. Being gay is just like having red hair, or being tall, or having weird-looking toes. It is how God made you. Of course you ask your best friend to prom. Of course you slow dance with him. You may think for a minute that people who don't know you are going to judge you and say mean things about you on the Internet, but you don't let that stop you from doing what feels right for you.

Because you are kind. Because your family has taught you to love unconditionally. Because he is your best friend, and it doesn't matter what other people think, as long as he is happy, and you are happy, and you've had a great time together.

There is one more link I want to share, and this is on a more serious note. There is a case in front of the Supreme Court right now that might make gay marriage legal across the country. One exchange has gotten a lot of attention. Judge Alito asked the Solicitor General about religious institutions retaining their tax-exempt status, if they did not want to admit, or provide married couple housing, or hire, homosexuals. Solicitor General Verrilli responded that he didn't know, but it certainly would be an issue. But the article itself brought up an important point for me. Here's the paragraph from the article (the emphasis is mine).

The third exchange on religious liberty came as Justice Samuel Alito asked Verrilli about the right of religious institutions to maintain tax-exempt status, citing the Supreme Court’s decision to allow the Internal Revenue Service to strip Bob Jones University because of that school’s policy against interracial dating and interracial marriage. That policy of Bob Jones University remains a moral blight to this day, even though the university has since rescinded the policy. Bob Jones University stood virtually alone in this unconscionable policy, but the Court’s decision in that lamentable case also set the stage for Justice Alito’s question — “would the same apply to a university or a college if it opposed same-sex marriage?”

So here is my question... in 30 years (or maybe even 15 years), are people going to look back at Christian universities who oppose same-sex marriage and use the words "moral blight," "unconscionable" and "lamentable"?

Maybe.  Maybe not.  And, by the way, some legal experts say that this a lot of worry about nothing, because single-gender schools are tax-exempt (even though that could be seen as discriminatory), and, quite honestly, there is not a vast conspiracy to shove same-sex marriage down the throats of those who disagree.

The whole article is here, if you are interested. And if you search, there are many more (some articles from conservatives, others from liberals, and some that just state the facts).

However, I think this issue will be moot in the not-too-distant future, because of kids like Jacob and Anthony. Kids get it - being gay is not something you choose, but something you are.

I am already planning my next blog post, about what I believe, because I think that is important to this discussion. I am a Christian, but I believe that homosexuality is not a sin. There are a lot of people who would argue that those two beliefs cannot coincide. So let me (from a layperson's viewpoint) lay out my argument and see what you think.

You Can't Always Get What You Want

I really didn't mean to do a series of life lessons on my blog, but they just keep coming!

Last week I found myself singing the Rolling Stones song -

You can't always get what you want

 But if you try sometimes you just might find 

You get what you need.

Like many women, I was REALLY excited about the Lilly Pulitzer for Target collection. It was released on April 19, at 8 a.m. in the stores, and earlier that morning online.  The prices were insanely good. A Lilly dress usually costs between  $150-$300, and the Target collection dresses were only $38.

I'm sure most of you know what happened. The stores sold out within the first hour (if not faster) and the online collection sold out within a few hours, too, leaving a lot of people very disappointed.

So what happened? One, Target only sent two or three of each size for each item to the store (obviously, this was not enough by a long shot). Two, people were buying everything they could get their hands on, so the majority of the stock went to the first few people in line (carts full of clothing of every size, not just their own size). Three, some of those people weren't buying for themselves, their friends or their family. They were buying to sell items at a huge markup on EBay or other auction sites (unless you really think that person was going to use or gift all ten sets of coffee cups).

I managed to come home with one item. And it wasn't even something I wanted originally.

But then humanity redeemed itself, somewhat, as groups popped up on Facebook for people who wanted to sell or trade their Lilly items at or close to retail price. Friends offered to let me try on what didn't work for them before they returned it. I now have another top and a pair of shorts that I am happy with.

But still, I felt (and still feel) cheated. Some of that is because I didn't even get the chance to try on the things I liked in my size. Who knows if I would have liked them or not, but I didn't even get the chance to try them!

But the other reason is that I wanted it all, and I didn't get it all. Hence, the Rolling Stones song rolling through my head.

Do I need another shift dress? No, but I want one. Badly. Can I see myself gallivanting around town in a strapless jumpsuit? No, but I still really, really want it.

I am still on those FB groups about selling/trading Lilly for Target items, and I need to get off of them, because it just makes me stressed. Yes, stressed. Because every time I see an item I would like, someone else has already claimed it, or the person wants a trade, not a purchase. I don't need anything. But I want it all.

We live in a culture of excess (or at least some of us do). We want it all, and we want it right now.

That is what I want to change about myself.

My family and I live a comfortable life. All of our needs are met, and there's money left over each month to eat out when we like and purchase some things we just want (not need). But we are not so rich we can purchase anything we desire.

I have the feeling, though, if we had more money, nothing would change. Perhaps we would purchase a few more "wants," but it still would not be enough. There would always be something else, just out of reach.

My closet and drawers are full of great clothes, so many I probably need to take a trip to Goodwill or Salvation Army and donate the ones I don't wear anymore. Why am I so disappointed that I didn't get another dress or top that I don't really need?

I am still working on that.

At a time when there are riots on the streets of Baltimore, because we as a nation can't quite solve the problems of poverty, and race relations, and police brutality and general human stupidity, I am sad because I didn't get a dress or a jumpsuit.

Really, Mary Beth?

I am a bit ashamed that this has consumed ANY of my time this last week. Of all the things to be worrying about, feeling stressed about, being sad about, a clothing line should not be at the top of my list.

And of course, there are many other things that I have on my mind and prayer list - healing and respite for sick relatives and friends, peace for war-torn areas of our world, understanding for both sides of the racial conflicts in our country and others, healing for those devastated in Nepal, hope for same sex couples across the nation as they wait to hear from the Supreme Court that their marriages are legal across the country and they are given the same rights as heterosexual couples.

I have so much to be thankful for. I have what I need, times four. It's time to move on from longing for something I just want, and help others get what they need.

Shut Up and Dance With Me

Last week, my life lesson came from a roller coaster. This weekend, it was from the dance floor.

Most of you have probably heard the great new song by Walk the Moon, "Shut Up and Dance," and been transported back to your childhood. One of my friends said it sounded like it came right out of The Breakfast Club, and I have to agree.

(There's also a really great montage of dance scenes from movies set to the song - if you haven't seen it yet, I guarantee it will make you want to dance around the room!)

While I did not get to dance to that particular song this weekend, I did get to dance at a fundraiser for the Alamance County Service League, of which I am a member.

Last year, I co-chaired our spring fundraiser, and spent months planning and worrying, and making sure each detail was correct so the fundraiser would be a success.

This year, it was someone else's turn to chair, and I just got to go and have fun!

I invited several friends to join me, and ended up with a table of women who had left their spouses at home. The DJ called us the Single Ladies all night long, which made the evening even more fun.

When the music began, several of us danced. And not the slightly bashful, I hope no one is watching me, kind of dancing. No, we acted like we were young girls dancing around in our bedrooms at a slumber party (the actual scene that comes to mind is the one from 13 Going on 30 when they're dancing to Pat Benetar's "Love is a Battlefield.")

We were not shy. We sang along. We shook our groove things.

I am not a great dancer. I do not have natural rhythm. But I do have so much fun dancing.

This kind of dancing, the kind where you just lose yourself in the music and don't hold back, doesn't happen all the time. Little kids dance that way. Sometimes, adults do too, at weddings, or class reunions, or, in my case, at a fundraiser.

That kind of reckless abandon, losing your self consciousness, being in the moment, having fun and not caring what others think of you, is something we all need more of in our lives.

So dancing may not be your thing. Perhaps no amount of alcohol would make the dance floor your friend. But there is some other way you can let loose and live life to its fullest.

Maybe you would love to go skydiving, or whitewater rafting, or zip lining, but you have always found an excuse to put it off.

Or maybe you need to make mud pies and jump in puddles this spring with your kids. You remember when you were a kid, and there was nothing more fun than playing in a warm spring rain? Recapture that feeling!

Or go with your kid to the local ice cream parlor and order a decadent treat, like a banana split or a big sundae. Too often we forget to enjoy the simple pleasures of life, and the sight of your kid's eyes when they see that big sundae or banana split appearing in front of them is definitely a pleasure.

Have you always dreamed of learning to play an instrument, or take a ballroom dancing class, or becoming a knitter or crocheter or a quilter? What is stopping you from your dreams?

"Oh, don't you dare look back.
Just keep your eyes on me."
I said, "You're holding back,"
She said, "Shut up and dance with me!"

Last week, I rode a roller coaster. This week, I danced with joy. I cannot wait to see what next week brings.

Life Lessons from a Roller Coaster

My family just got back from a great vacation in Williamsburg, VA. We enjoyed Jamestown, Yorktown and Colonial Williamsburg, but the highlight of the trip was Busch Gardens.

I am not really a roller coaster girl. I really hate the sensation of falling, and since most roller coasters want you to feel that sensation of your stomach flying up to your throat, I don't enjoy them.

When I was younger, friends dragged me onto The Big Bad Wolf at Busch Gardens. I survived that experience, mostly because I couldn't see the big hill until I was already on the ride, and getting ready to go down it! But The Loch Ness Monster was right there, in the open, with that huge hill starting off, and I wanted no part of it.

Now I am older, and have figured out what kinds of rides I enjoy. I have no problem going upside down, twisting, or spinning. I am good on smaller roller coasters, but still don't enjoy the sensation of falling, great heights or going so fast I feel out of control.

This trip, I decided to challenge myself a bit. This was, in part, to encourage my child to try some different things, too. So I rode Alpengeist. And didn't hate it.

My husband rode it first. He told me it was really smooth, and so fast you don't really even know what you're doing. He told me to take off my glasses (they would have flown off, yes, but that way, I also was less aware of what was coming next). There was just one big hill at the first that does that "click-click-click-click" all the way up, followed by the rush down. From then on, it was just one quick loop and twist after another.

Compare that to the Griffon, which has three "click-click-click" hills, along with second-long pauses at the top so you know just what is getting ready to happen. As I have said to several people, "Just no. No. No."

But that wasn't the roller coaster on which I learned my lesson.

When we first arrived at the park, the only area open was the Sesame Street area. That was perfect, we thought, because our son would get to "warm up" on the kid rides before deciding to ride the big rides. He enjoyed the wiggly worm ride, and the boat ride, but the roller coaster... not so much.

Grover's Alpine Express is a kid-sized roller coaster. We went up the little hill, and then accelerated down the hill and the curve. At that point, my son turned to me and said, "I don't like this!" Luckily, the ride isn't very long.

I was glad we found out he didn't like roller coasters before we got on one of the big ones. I would have hated for him to have such a traumatic experience, and not ride anything else!

But the lesson I learned (or am trying to learn)? When to push my child and when to let it go.

Was it important that he learn to confront his fears of roller coasters at age 7? No, not really. He has years to figure out what he likes and doesn't like when it comes to thrill rides. When he is a teenager, he might feel differently, or it might take him until he's 40, like me!

I did struggle when we got to the swings, and I couldn't convince him to ride them with me. I encouraged him to try them, but when he said no, I didn't push.

But how does that translate to real life? How far do you push your child, and when do you let go?

My son is not into sports, but I wanted him to at least try soccer. After one season, when he didn't want to continue, the decision to try something else (acting class), was an easy one.

Right now, we are still trying to find the thing or things he will be passionate about. That means trying as many different experiences as we can find, until we find the ones that he really enjoys. It is not so much quitting an activity as deciding that it is not for him, and trying a different one.

He loves music, so he will probably begin music lessons next fall. But what if he wants to quit after a few years, or when he is a teenager?

Being the adult, and the parent, means making those tough decisions sometimes. It would be short-sighted to let him choose to quit something that he would regret quitting later.

And then there's academics. I find that I am a bit of a Tiger Mom. I laughed this week when watching Fresh Off of the Boat, when the mom reacted to her son's straight-A's by going to the school and asking for tougher work for him. I have told my son that if the books he is reading for AR points are too easy to ask for harder ones. When we were off for a couple of weeks for snow and ice, I bought a workbook and made my son do a few pages each day. This week on vacation? Mean Mom still made him do his homework.

I do try hard not to push him too much. But on the other hand, I want him to succeed in life. My parents always expected my best work. While I hated having to redo things, and wished they would just let a few things slide when I was a child, I appreciated their hard work (and the high expectations of my teachers) once I got to college.

I have realized, in talking to people I have worked or socialized with as an adult, that not everyone had a parent or parents who expected the best from them. Not everyone did a workbook (or three) each summer. Not everyone took SAT and ACT prep courses, and agonized over their scores.

And you know, they turned out alright. My mom now admits that she and my father probably pushed going to UNC or another top-tier college too much, and that we might have been just fine going elsewhere.

I think that no matter what, I would have striven to go to a top-tier university. But I probably could have done without the ulcer-creating junior year math class I hated so much. I should have taken the easier course, knowing that I wasn't planning on majoring in anything that required much math (and my senior year, I did just that).

That doesn't mean I will stop expecting my child's best work, or that I won't keep pushing him to achieve. That doesn't mean I will let him quit piano (or guitar or violin) lessons if he grows tired of practicing and just wants to play video games instead. He will attend prep classes for the SAT or ACT or whatever the test is when he gets to high school.

However, in light of the roller coaster epiphany, I am going to try to curb some of my instincts to push him harder. There is a line between having high expectations and making sure they are met, and pushing your child so much that he rebels or grows to hate something he once loved. I have to let him decide when he's ready to move up to the next level of books (or trust that the teacher will move him up when he is ready). I have to let him decide if the acting class he is taking now is something he wants to continue doing, or if it was a good experience, but it is time to move on to something else.

And I will let him grow to love (or tolerate) roller coasters on his own schedule.

The Joy of Receiving

This week I had the pleasure of working at a consignment sale that benefits the playschool my son attended for four years. The sale is special to me for many different reasons. First of all, my son had a wonderful experience at playschool, and I want to do all I can to support the school. Second, I served on the consignment sale committee for a couple of years, and know how hard they work and how hard it is to find volunteers. Third, the playschool happens to be a part of my church, so supporting it is also supporting my church.

But the most important reason struck me when I saw this sign when I was bringing in my items to consign:

Receiving.

The simple meaning of this sign was to guide consignors to the correct entrance to drop off their items. But it made me think of all the ways this sale helps others receive God's grace.

As you can tell, it was a rainy day when I dropped off my items. Actually, it was rainy off and on all week.

But that didn't matter once you walked in the doors of the church.

Volunteers greeted everyone with a smile and an offer of help. We all threw on raincoats at some point and helped consignors and shoppers carry their items in or out. Visitors to our sale received a warm welcome and an invitation to come back again.

Families came in, grabbed a shopping cart, and filled it up with clothes, shoes, toys, books and games. When they checked out, you could see the joy they felt in being able to clothe their families for a fraction of the price they would pay in a store. Some families just love a great deal. Others rely on sales like ours so they can afford clothing as well as pay their bills and purchase groceries this month. Families received a feeling of self worth because they could provide for their children.

We always have some new parents-to-be who need guidance about what they really need to care for a baby. And, on the other side of the coin, we have consignors who have been through the trenches of having young children, and are happy to pass on their bottles, bouncers, rattles and infant hats to another family. New moms received assurance that they really can do this, and that they are ready for the new bundle of joy that will enter their lives soon.

The most fun to watch are the kids. They see a toy they really, really want, and their eyes light up. Some run up and grab the item immediately; others are more timid and approach it like it might disappear if they get too close. Most consignors price their items at one-fourth to one-third of what they paid originally, which makes even big items affordable to most families. Kids received the gift of joy in getting something they really wanted.

The last day of the sale, many items are half off. Several women from our church came to the sale to purchase infant clothing and blankets to send overseas to groups that give the items to women in need and children in orphanages. We all received the gift of humility, in remembering that, while we all have our own troubles, there are children in the world with no clothing, no blankets, and no family, who need our prayers and our support.

At the end of the sale, we pull out any items that are marked to be donated (consignors choose which items will be donated, and which will be returned to them). Then an area non-profit comes to pick up the donated clothing and toys for their clients. Consignors received the gift of pride that they can help children and families in our community by simply donating what doesn't sell.

Finally, the rest is sorted by consignor number so pick up of unsold items runs smoothly. Consignors come in, take their stuff, and thank us for our work. In a few weeks, they will receive a check that totals 60% of their sales. They are happy to get a little back of what they spent on the items originally, and the playschool is happy to spend the remainder of the sale money on items for the classrooms, training for the teachers, and other school improvements.

The sale reminds me each spring and fall that we all are fortunate to receive God's grace in our lives. It is a very simple thing, to have an event that benefits the school, the consignors, the shoppers, and the community at large. It is simple, but it is not easy - volunteers work really hard to make the sale a success. But in the end, I really do feel like I've done something worthwhile. God has used me, and the other volunteers, to bless others' lives, and I am better for it.

From the Library Bag of Mary Beth

Some weeks, I come home with absolute gems of books in my library bag.

Other weeks, I find there are some that are not worth finishing. But that's the good thing about library books - if you don't like one, you just stop reading it and pick up another one.

This week's selection (well, this week, plus one from my last trip) held a lot of gems, so I wanted to share them with you. There were a lot of life lessons contained in these books!

In Some Other World, Maybe - Shari Goldhagen.  Where do I begin? This book was one I couldn't put down. It starts with several vignettes of people across the country attending a showing of a sci-fi movie, and then shows the effects that movie had on their lives, and how their lives intertwined in following years. I believe strongly in fate, in that there are people we are supposed to meet and experiences we are supposed to have, but also that one little change can completely alter the time line. The sci-fi movie ties into this belief and shadows what is happening in real life in the story. There is tragedy, and hope, and love, in this book, but nothing ever feels forced, and the relationships are as complex as real life.

Searching for Grace Kelly - Michael Callahan.  Set in the 1950s, Searching for Grace Kelly evokes the time when everyone dressed to impress in New York City, but doesn't put a gloss on the seedier, less glamorous parts of that time in history. A young lady spends her summer being a guest editor at Mademoiselle magazine for their annual college issue, and lives at the famous Barbizon Hotel. She makes two wonderful, very different friends, and they all meet men who will change their lives. This book sounds a bit frothy, but it is anything but.  There isn't a happy ending per se, and their lives don't quite turn out the way you expect. But it makes you think about things that apply to our lives today - if women can have it all, and what they have to sacrifice for that "privilege," how hard it is to escape domestic violence, and how familial pressure can suffocate you or free you.

Don't Try to Find Me - Holly Brown. I don't know whether to recommend this book to my friends who have girls, as a cautionary tale, or tell them not to ever read it, because they will never sleep again! A mom comes home to find a note on the fridge whiteboard, "Don't try to find me. I'll be okay. I'll be better. I love you." Her 14 year old daughter has run away from home, and not only that, but has planned for months to do so, and has done a very good job of it. The first few chapters are from the mom's point of view, then the next from the daughter's. I won't say more, because I don't w3ant to spoil the book, but it is an incredible read. Lessons learned: kids are a lot more aware than you think of how their parents are getting along; you can't just superficially watch your teens online, but need to have their passwords and access to all of their accounts; tragedy can bring a family closer, but you have to work hard at it.

B as in Beauty - Alberto Ferraras.  First of all, this book is PG. Really. You will start reading it, and get to a certain point, and think, "Is this going all 50 Shades of Gray on me?"  But it really is not. The story is nothing new - a young lady who doesn't have a great deal of self-confidence gets it from an unexpected source, and changes her life for the better. And ends up with the guy. And the job she wants. But the book is funny, and original, and I really enjoyed it. One of the best lessons learned is that we should be happy and confident with ourselves, no matter if we are a size 2, or a size 12, or a size 20.

I am going to expand on that last lesson, because I think it might be one of the most important lessons from my library book bag.

I am in an exercise class with a group of great ladies every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. We support each other, and push each other. I need that support and push, because, quite frankly, if I hadn't had a place to go and people expecting me to be there, I would not have worked out the last two weeks. I would have used the snow and ice and no school to justify not working out, and would have eaten too much, and would be unhappy with myself.

I've been going for two months now, and I am not seeing a great deal of difference on the scale. But I feel stronger, and (sort of) enjoy going to work out. I like the challenge to see what I can accomplish. I might be slowly losing weight and inches, but even if I am not, I am gaining self-confidence and strength and becoming more healthy.

I see women beat themselves up all the time about comfort eating, or not working out, or not fitting into a certain size. We are our own worst critics, and it is time to stop. It is time to love our bodies, flaws and all. That doesn't mean just throwing in the towel and not exercising and eating too much, but it does mean not obsessing over every perceived lump and bump that probably no one else even notices.

Here is the advice the protagonist is given, and I LOVE:

"The posture comes from within: when you love yourself, you offer yourself. The head is high, so that you can look at everyone straight in the eye. The expression is confident. The lips are soft, ready to be kissed. Your bosom rests in bloom under your chin, your shoulders are relaxed, so your arms are open, and free to embrace the man who madly desires you. And never, never forget that you are beautiful."

Never, never forget that you are beautiful.  That is what I want to carry with me today, and every day going forward.