Some weeks, I come home with absolute gems of books in my library bag.
Other weeks, I find there are some that are not worth finishing. But that's the good thing about library books - if you don't like one, you just stop reading it and pick up another one.
This week's selection (well, this week, plus one from my last trip) held a lot of gems, so I wanted to share them with you. There were a lot of life lessons contained in these books!
In Some Other World, Maybe - Shari Goldhagen. Where do I begin? This book was one I couldn't put down. It starts with several vignettes of people across the country attending a showing of a sci-fi movie, and then shows the effects that movie had on their lives, and how their lives intertwined in following years. I believe strongly in fate, in that there are people we are supposed to meet and experiences we are supposed to have, but also that one little change can completely alter the time line. The sci-fi movie ties into this belief and shadows what is happening in real life in the story. There is tragedy, and hope, and love, in this book, but nothing ever feels forced, and the relationships are as complex as real life.
Searching for Grace Kelly - Michael Callahan. Set in the 1950s, Searching for Grace Kelly evokes the time when everyone dressed to impress in New York City, but doesn't put a gloss on the seedier, less glamorous parts of that time in history. A young lady spends her summer being a guest editor at Mademoiselle magazine for their annual college issue, and lives at the famous Barbizon Hotel. She makes two wonderful, very different friends, and they all meet men who will change their lives. This book sounds a bit frothy, but it is anything but. There isn't a happy ending per se, and their lives don't quite turn out the way you expect. But it makes you think about things that apply to our lives today - if women can have it all, and what they have to sacrifice for that "privilege," how hard it is to escape domestic violence, and how familial pressure can suffocate you or free you.
Don't Try to Find Me - Holly Brown. I don't know whether to recommend this book to my friends who have girls, as a cautionary tale, or tell them not to ever read it, because they will never sleep again! A mom comes home to find a note on the fridge whiteboard, "Don't try to find me. I'll be okay. I'll be better. I love you." Her 14 year old daughter has run away from home, and not only that, but has planned for months to do so, and has done a very good job of it. The first few chapters are from the mom's point of view, then the next from the daughter's. I won't say more, because I don't w3ant to spoil the book, but it is an incredible read. Lessons learned: kids are a lot more aware than you think of how their parents are getting along; you can't just superficially watch your teens online, but need to have their passwords and access to all of their accounts; tragedy can bring a family closer, but you have to work hard at it.
B as in Beauty - Alberto Ferraras. First of all, this book is PG. Really. You will start reading it, and get to a certain point, and think, "Is this going all 50 Shades of Gray on me?" But it really is not. The story is nothing new - a young lady who doesn't have a great deal of self-confidence gets it from an unexpected source, and changes her life for the better. And ends up with the guy. And the job she wants. But the book is funny, and original, and I really enjoyed it. One of the best lessons learned is that we should be happy and confident with ourselves, no matter if we are a size 2, or a size 12, or a size 20.
I am going to expand on that last lesson, because I think it might be one of the most important lessons from my library book bag.
I am in an exercise class with a group of great ladies every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. We support each other, and push each other. I need that support and push, because, quite frankly, if I hadn't had a place to go and people expecting me to be there, I would not have worked out the last two weeks. I would have used the snow and ice and no school to justify not working out, and would have eaten too much, and would be unhappy with myself.
I've been going for two months now, and I am not seeing a great deal of difference on the scale. But I feel stronger, and (sort of) enjoy going to work out. I like the challenge to see what I can accomplish. I might be slowly losing weight and inches, but even if I am not, I am gaining self-confidence and strength and becoming more healthy.
I see women beat themselves up all the time about comfort eating, or not working out, or not fitting into a certain size. We are our own worst critics, and it is time to stop. It is time to love our bodies, flaws and all. That doesn't mean just throwing in the towel and not exercising and eating too much, but it does mean not obsessing over every perceived lump and bump that probably no one else even notices.
Here is the advice the protagonist is given, and I LOVE:
"The posture comes from within: when you love yourself, you offer yourself. The head is high, so that you can look at everyone straight in the eye. The expression is confident. The lips are soft, ready to be kissed. Your bosom rests in bloom under your chin, your shoulders are relaxed, so your arms are open, and free to embrace the man who madly desires you. And never, never forget that you are beautiful."
Never, never forget that you are beautiful. That is what I want to carry with me today, and every day going forward.
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Monday, February 23, 2015
(Un)happy Birthday
Part of becoming an adult is losing some of the sweet pleasures of childhood - snow days, summer vacation, running, biking and jumping for fun (rather than exercise), birthday parties...
Okay, I admit, I still enjoy my birthday, and probably always will. The whole "being a year older" thing isn't my favorite, but I still like having the excuse to eat cake and getting presents and being the center of attention for a day (or week, or month).
But as a parent, the joy of other kid's birthday parties is pretty much completely gone.
What kid doesn't love a good birthday party? You get to play with your friends, maybe go somewhere fun like Putt-Putt or the bowling alley or a park, eat cake and other party foods, and at the end of the party, you went home with a goody bag.
What could be better?
But for parents, kid's birthday parties are just the worst pain ever.
First of all, you have to buy a present for the birthday boy or girl. It's not really the cost of buying a gift that is a problem, but it is finding something appropriate for that child. Some girls don't like dolls, and some boys aren't into sports. I hesitate to purchase Barbie or Bratz dolls unless I know for a fact that the parents are okay with that. Same with Nerf guns for boys. And some parents welcome Play Doh, while others would silently curse you as their child grinds it into their new carpet. And yes, price does come into the equation, because since when is a crappy piece of plastic $19.99??? I would like to buy something that I feel confident will last at least a month before breaking, thank you very much.
Then you get to the party. I think statistics will back me up on this - at least half of the children at any given party will be sniffling, coughing and/or sneezing. On your child. Or on the food. Or wiping their runny nose on their hand, then touching everything in a five-mile radius. Overheard at a party recently: "If you didn't already have a cold before you got here, you have one now."
This is exacerbated if the party is in a public place. Now, not only do you have the germs of your child's friends to deal with, but also the germs of fifty other kids at the other parties.
Speaking of other parties, the noise level at a party can be deafening. Excited kids plus sugar plus an activity they don't get to do every day equals screaming, running and yelling at the top of their lungs. Just pass me the Advil now, please.
Excited kids also means out of control kids. Add in golf clubs at Putt-Putt, or too many kids in the bouncy house, and you're looking at a potential concussion. Skating rinks are no better - kids careening into each other and helpless bystanders could mean broken bones and at least one child whose hand has been run over by a friend.
Now that my child is older, this is made worse by the possibility that a parent will just drop off their kid and leave to run errands or take their other child to another party/game/activity or just have a cup of coffee in peace. I don't begrudge them the break, but I do kind of curse them when their child is the one swinging his golf club like a bat, or jumping on unsuspecting people's backs, or generally being a pain. I believe it takes a village, and with my friend's kids, probably wouldn't hesitate to step in. But when it is a kid you don't know, you never know how their parents are going to react.
Then it is finally time to go home, and your child does not want to leave and throws a tantrum. That is always fun. When you finally get him in the car, he is SO excited about his goody bag, which is full of cheap plastic things and sugary candy. Oh joy. More sugar. And toys that will multiply as they enter your house, and will find their way into every room in your house, even as you start to surreptitiously throw things away while your child is at school.
Then it is time to start thinking about YOUR kid's upcoming birthday. You vow to make your kid's party better than the one he just attended, but your child really wants to go to Chuck E. Cheese, and they do provide everything, and you're just so worn out...
Okay, I admit, I still enjoy my birthday, and probably always will. The whole "being a year older" thing isn't my favorite, but I still like having the excuse to eat cake and getting presents and being the center of attention for a day (or week, or month).
But as a parent, the joy of other kid's birthday parties is pretty much completely gone.
What kid doesn't love a good birthday party? You get to play with your friends, maybe go somewhere fun like Putt-Putt or the bowling alley or a park, eat cake and other party foods, and at the end of the party, you went home with a goody bag.
What could be better?
But for parents, kid's birthday parties are just the worst pain ever.
First of all, you have to buy a present for the birthday boy or girl. It's not really the cost of buying a gift that is a problem, but it is finding something appropriate for that child. Some girls don't like dolls, and some boys aren't into sports. I hesitate to purchase Barbie or Bratz dolls unless I know for a fact that the parents are okay with that. Same with Nerf guns for boys. And some parents welcome Play Doh, while others would silently curse you as their child grinds it into their new carpet. And yes, price does come into the equation, because since when is a crappy piece of plastic $19.99??? I would like to buy something that I feel confident will last at least a month before breaking, thank you very much.
Then you get to the party. I think statistics will back me up on this - at least half of the children at any given party will be sniffling, coughing and/or sneezing. On your child. Or on the food. Or wiping their runny nose on their hand, then touching everything in a five-mile radius. Overheard at a party recently: "If you didn't already have a cold before you got here, you have one now."
This is exacerbated if the party is in a public place. Now, not only do you have the germs of your child's friends to deal with, but also the germs of fifty other kids at the other parties.
Speaking of other parties, the noise level at a party can be deafening. Excited kids plus sugar plus an activity they don't get to do every day equals screaming, running and yelling at the top of their lungs. Just pass me the Advil now, please.
Excited kids also means out of control kids. Add in golf clubs at Putt-Putt, or too many kids in the bouncy house, and you're looking at a potential concussion. Skating rinks are no better - kids careening into each other and helpless bystanders could mean broken bones and at least one child whose hand has been run over by a friend.
Now that my child is older, this is made worse by the possibility that a parent will just drop off their kid and leave to run errands or take their other child to another party/game/activity or just have a cup of coffee in peace. I don't begrudge them the break, but I do kind of curse them when their child is the one swinging his golf club like a bat, or jumping on unsuspecting people's backs, or generally being a pain. I believe it takes a village, and with my friend's kids, probably wouldn't hesitate to step in. But when it is a kid you don't know, you never know how their parents are going to react.
Then it is finally time to go home, and your child does not want to leave and throws a tantrum. That is always fun. When you finally get him in the car, he is SO excited about his goody bag, which is full of cheap plastic things and sugary candy. Oh joy. More sugar. And toys that will multiply as they enter your house, and will find their way into every room in your house, even as you start to surreptitiously throw things away while your child is at school.
Then it is time to start thinking about YOUR kid's upcoming birthday. You vow to make your kid's party better than the one he just attended, but your child really wants to go to Chuck E. Cheese, and they do provide everything, and you're just so worn out...
Friday, February 6, 2015
The Cult of Busyness
How many times have you answered a friend's query about how you are doing with, "Oh, I am SO busy!" followed by a litany of all the things you have done or are getting ready to do?
I do it all the time.
But I am trying to change my ways. I realized that telling someone how busy you are isn't always fully answering the question. And it can be really annoying!
So why do we do this?
1. Because we really are that busy. I don't know if we keep this busy because of the whole "you can have it all" myth, or that we worry that our children will fall behind if he/she doesn't have several extracurricular activities, or that we are afraid of what will happen if we just sit every once in awhile, or a combination of all three. Whatever it is, I know few moms that aren't juggling work (either in or out of the home), volunteering at their children's schools, their churches, and for community organizations, taking their child/children to at least one after-school activity each week, if not more, helping with homework, making (or making plans for) dinner, and keeping their house clean enough that they aren't worried about ants, mold or dust bunnies. We are over-scheduled, and exhausted. It's no wonder the first thing that pops in our heads when we're asked how we are doing is that we are busy!
2. Complaining = bragging. Sometimes when we share all that we do, we do so to make ourselves feel good about ourselves. After all, if we are vital to our work/church/community group, then we must be a good person, right? I remember talking to my mom about certain people at our church years and years ago, and her telling me that the women to emulate were not the ones who stood on the pews and proclaimed how saintly they were, and what good works they were doing, but rather those who quietly took on roles behind the scenes and got things done. Perhaps bragging is too strong a word, but I look at my motives in listing all that I do, and realize that if the shoe fits...
3. A real answer is too complicated/real/messy. How are you really? Are you anxious because it seems like everyone is sick this winter and you're praying it avoids your house? (yes) Are you down on yourself because you've gained a few extra pounds this year? (yes) Are you grieving a bit for family and friends who are facing some tough challenges? (yes) Is the person asking really wanting to get into all that mess? Sometimes, it is just easier to focus on the surface stuff and not get into your real feelings.
There are a couple of problems here -
First of all, we need to learn to say, "No, I have other commitments right now," or "Thank you for asking me, but we are not able to attend/join/participate," or simply, "No." Period. End of sentence. No long explanations, no sounding like it is your fault you are saying no, that another, more committed, better mom would say yes. No beating yourself up that your kid "only" has school and one after-school activity, when his friends have one every day.
It is also learning to know your own limits. I am guilty of this one this week. I somehow committed to make desserts for a community event, host a dinner for a new family in our area, and act as co-hostess for a church circle meeting (which means decorating and bringing desserts, salad greens and/or drinks - I do have another person to split these duties with). Oh, and I volunteered two mornings at local schools, doing a puppet show, and attended two meetings at church. And my son had three after-school activities.
Honestly, it wasn't too much. I still had plenty of time to work out, read books and enjoy a little family time. But perhaps it was not smart to have all of these things to do the same week.
(And if you are reading this, people I hosted for dinner, PLEASE don't feel guilty. If it had been a problem, I would have rescheduled. I really was not that stressed by it, despite this post!)
There are several moms I know who have been smart enough to step back and say, "Enough." They have decided where they need to spend their time right now, and dropped the other activities in their lives. It is a hard decision to make at times, especially when by doing so, you are forming a void someone else has to fill. However, only you know your limits, and what fills your plate each day. No one is going to think less of you. And any free time you gain by doing so? Enjoy it. Do something for yourself.
Second, we need to learn to be better friends. On the one hand, we all need to vent sometimes, and we all need a pat on the back when we've been working hard, especially if it has been on a volunteer basis. We as humans need validation from others that what we are doing is right. Sharing your stresses does make you feel better. And we all need to support each other, and you can't get that support if you only answer, "Fine! How about you?"
But we have to be careful that the sharing isn't just one-way; we need to listen, too. Being a good friend means listening and commiserating and lifting each other up. Like the church ladies example, the best friends are those who listen, then do for you without being asked, and fulfill a need you didn't even know you had.
I am very fortunate to have wonderful friends and family who support me and love me, even when I am a little crazy. One of my goals is to let them know how much I appreciate them, and hope that I can be there for them as well.
So how do I plan to answer the question, "How are you?" this year? To be honest, I haven't quite figured it out yet. But I know that I will keep the to-do listing to a minimum, give an honest answer, and always turn it back around and ask how you are, too.
I do it all the time.
But I am trying to change my ways. I realized that telling someone how busy you are isn't always fully answering the question. And it can be really annoying!
So why do we do this?
1. Because we really are that busy. I don't know if we keep this busy because of the whole "you can have it all" myth, or that we worry that our children will fall behind if he/she doesn't have several extracurricular activities, or that we are afraid of what will happen if we just sit every once in awhile, or a combination of all three. Whatever it is, I know few moms that aren't juggling work (either in or out of the home), volunteering at their children's schools, their churches, and for community organizations, taking their child/children to at least one after-school activity each week, if not more, helping with homework, making (or making plans for) dinner, and keeping their house clean enough that they aren't worried about ants, mold or dust bunnies. We are over-scheduled, and exhausted. It's no wonder the first thing that pops in our heads when we're asked how we are doing is that we are busy!
2. Complaining = bragging. Sometimes when we share all that we do, we do so to make ourselves feel good about ourselves. After all, if we are vital to our work/church/community group, then we must be a good person, right? I remember talking to my mom about certain people at our church years and years ago, and her telling me that the women to emulate were not the ones who stood on the pews and proclaimed how saintly they were, and what good works they were doing, but rather those who quietly took on roles behind the scenes and got things done. Perhaps bragging is too strong a word, but I look at my motives in listing all that I do, and realize that if the shoe fits...
3. A real answer is too complicated/real/messy. How are you really? Are you anxious because it seems like everyone is sick this winter and you're praying it avoids your house? (yes) Are you down on yourself because you've gained a few extra pounds this year? (yes) Are you grieving a bit for family and friends who are facing some tough challenges? (yes) Is the person asking really wanting to get into all that mess? Sometimes, it is just easier to focus on the surface stuff and not get into your real feelings.
There are a couple of problems here -
First of all, we need to learn to say, "No, I have other commitments right now," or "Thank you for asking me, but we are not able to attend/join/participate," or simply, "No." Period. End of sentence. No long explanations, no sounding like it is your fault you are saying no, that another, more committed, better mom would say yes. No beating yourself up that your kid "only" has school and one after-school activity, when his friends have one every day.
It is also learning to know your own limits. I am guilty of this one this week. I somehow committed to make desserts for a community event, host a dinner for a new family in our area, and act as co-hostess for a church circle meeting (which means decorating and bringing desserts, salad greens and/or drinks - I do have another person to split these duties with). Oh, and I volunteered two mornings at local schools, doing a puppet show, and attended two meetings at church. And my son had three after-school activities.
Honestly, it wasn't too much. I still had plenty of time to work out, read books and enjoy a little family time. But perhaps it was not smart to have all of these things to do the same week.
(And if you are reading this, people I hosted for dinner, PLEASE don't feel guilty. If it had been a problem, I would have rescheduled. I really was not that stressed by it, despite this post!)
There are several moms I know who have been smart enough to step back and say, "Enough." They have decided where they need to spend their time right now, and dropped the other activities in their lives. It is a hard decision to make at times, especially when by doing so, you are forming a void someone else has to fill. However, only you know your limits, and what fills your plate each day. No one is going to think less of you. And any free time you gain by doing so? Enjoy it. Do something for yourself.
Second, we need to learn to be better friends. On the one hand, we all need to vent sometimes, and we all need a pat on the back when we've been working hard, especially if it has been on a volunteer basis. We as humans need validation from others that what we are doing is right. Sharing your stresses does make you feel better. And we all need to support each other, and you can't get that support if you only answer, "Fine! How about you?"
But we have to be careful that the sharing isn't just one-way; we need to listen, too. Being a good friend means listening and commiserating and lifting each other up. Like the church ladies example, the best friends are those who listen, then do for you without being asked, and fulfill a need you didn't even know you had.
I am very fortunate to have wonderful friends and family who support me and love me, even when I am a little crazy. One of my goals is to let them know how much I appreciate them, and hope that I can be there for them as well.
So how do I plan to answer the question, "How are you?" this year? To be honest, I haven't quite figured it out yet. But I know that I will keep the to-do listing to a minimum, give an honest answer, and always turn it back around and ask how you are, too.
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