The Cult of Busyness

How many times have you answered a friend's query about how you are doing with, "Oh, I am SO busy!" followed by a litany of all the things you have done or are getting ready to do?

I do it all the time.

But I am trying to change my ways. I realized that telling someone how busy you are isn't always fully answering the question. And it can be really annoying!

So why do we do this?

1. Because we really are that busy. I don't know if we keep this busy because of the whole "you can have it all" myth, or that we worry that our children will fall behind if he/she doesn't have several extracurricular activities, or that we are afraid of what will happen if we just sit every once in awhile, or a combination of all three. Whatever it is, I know few moms that aren't juggling work (either in or out of the home), volunteering at their children's schools, their churches, and for community organizations, taking their child/children to at least one after-school activity each week, if not more, helping with homework, making (or making plans for) dinner, and keeping their house clean enough that they aren't worried about ants, mold or dust bunnies. We are over-scheduled, and exhausted. It's no wonder the first thing that pops in our heads when we're asked how we are doing is that we are busy!

2. Complaining = bragging.  Sometimes when we share all that we do, we do so to make ourselves feel good about ourselves. After all, if we are vital to our work/church/community group, then we must be a good person, right? I remember talking to my mom about certain people at our church years and years ago, and her telling me that the women to emulate were not the ones who stood on the pews and proclaimed how saintly they were, and what good works they were doing, but rather those who quietly took on roles behind the scenes and got things done.  Perhaps bragging is too strong a word, but I look at my motives in listing all that I do, and realize that if the shoe fits...

3. A real answer is too complicated/real/messy. How are you really? Are you anxious because it seems like everyone is sick this winter and you're praying it avoids your house? (yes) Are you down on yourself because you've gained a few extra pounds this year? (yes) Are you grieving a bit for family and friends who are facing some tough challenges? (yes) Is the person asking really wanting to get into all that mess? Sometimes, it is just easier to focus on the surface stuff and not get into your real feelings.

There are a couple of problems here -

First of all, we need to learn to say, "No, I have other commitments right now," or "Thank you for asking me, but we are not able to attend/join/participate," or simply, "No." Period. End of sentence. No long explanations, no sounding like it is your fault you are saying no, that another, more committed, better mom would say yes. No beating yourself up that your kid "only" has school and one after-school activity, when his friends have one every day.

It is also learning to know your own limits. I am guilty of this one this week. I somehow committed to make desserts for a community event, host a dinner for a new family in our area, and act as co-hostess for a church circle meeting (which means decorating and bringing desserts, salad greens and/or drinks - I do have another person to split these duties with). Oh, and I volunteered two mornings at local schools, doing a puppet show, and attended two meetings at church. And my son had three after-school activities.

Honestly, it wasn't too much. I still had plenty of time to work out, read books and enjoy a little family time. But perhaps it was not smart to have all of these things to do the same week.

(And if you are reading this, people I hosted for dinner, PLEASE don't feel guilty. If it had been a problem, I would have rescheduled. I really was not that stressed by it, despite this post!)

There are several moms I know who have been smart enough to step back and say, "Enough." They have decided where they need to spend their time right now, and dropped the other activities in their lives. It is a hard decision to make at times, especially when by doing so, you are forming a void someone else has to fill. However, only you know your limits, and what fills your plate each day. No one is going to think less of you. And any free time you gain by doing so? Enjoy it. Do something for yourself.

Second, we need to learn to be better friends. On the one hand, we all need to vent sometimes, and we all need a pat on the back when we've been working hard, especially if it has been on a volunteer basis. We as humans need validation from others that what we are doing is right. Sharing your stresses does make you feel better. And we all need to support each other, and you can't get that support if you only answer, "Fine! How about you?"

But we have to be careful that the sharing isn't just one-way; we need to listen, too. Being a good friend means listening and commiserating and lifting each other up. Like the church ladies example, the best friends are those who listen, then do for you without being asked, and fulfill a need you didn't even know you had.

I am very fortunate to have wonderful friends and family who support me and love me, even when I am a little crazy. One of my goals is to let them know how much I appreciate them, and hope that I can be there for them as well.

So how do I plan to answer the question, "How are you?" this year? To be honest, I haven't quite figured it out yet. But I know that I will keep the to-do listing to a minimum, give an honest answer, and always turn it back around and ask how you are, too.