(Un)happy Birthday

Part of becoming an adult is losing some of the sweet pleasures of childhood - snow days, summer vacation, running, biking and jumping for fun (rather than exercise), birthday parties...

Okay, I admit, I still enjoy my birthday, and probably always will. The whole "being a year older" thing isn't my favorite, but I still like having the excuse to eat cake and getting presents and being the center of attention for a day (or week, or month).

But as a parent, the joy of other kid's birthday parties is pretty much completely gone.

What kid doesn't love a good birthday party? You get to play with your friends, maybe go somewhere fun like Putt-Putt or the bowling alley or a park, eat cake and other party foods, and at the end of the party, you went home with a goody bag.

What could be better?

 But for parents, kid's birthday parties are just the worst pain ever.

First of all, you have to buy a present for the birthday boy or girl. It's not really the cost of buying a gift that is a problem, but it is finding something appropriate for that child. Some girls don't like dolls, and some boys aren't into sports. I hesitate to purchase Barbie or Bratz dolls unless I know for a fact that the parents are okay with that. Same with Nerf guns for boys. And some parents welcome Play Doh, while others would silently curse you as their child grinds it into their new carpet.  And yes, price does come into the equation, because since when is a crappy piece of plastic $19.99??? I would like to buy something that I feel confident will last at least a month before breaking, thank you very much.

Then you get to the party. I think statistics will back me up on this - at least half of the children at any given party will be sniffling, coughing and/or sneezing. On your child. Or on the food. Or wiping their runny nose on their hand, then touching everything in a five-mile radius. Overheard at a party recently: "If you didn't already have a cold before you got here, you have one now."

This is exacerbated if the party is in a public place. Now, not only do you have the germs of your child's friends to deal with, but also the germs of fifty other kids at the other parties.

Speaking of other parties, the noise level at a party can be deafening. Excited kids plus sugar plus an activity they don't get to do every day equals screaming, running and yelling at the top of their lungs. Just pass me the Advil now, please.

Excited kids also means out of control kids. Add in golf clubs at Putt-Putt, or too many kids in the bouncy house, and you're looking at a potential concussion. Skating rinks are no better - kids careening into each other and helpless bystanders could mean broken bones and at least one child whose hand has been run over by a friend.

Now that my child is older, this is made worse by the possibility that a parent will just drop off their kid and leave to run errands or take their other child to another party/game/activity or just have a cup of coffee in peace. I don't begrudge them the break, but I do kind of curse them when their child is the one swinging his golf club like a bat, or jumping on unsuspecting people's backs, or generally being a pain. I believe it takes a village, and with my friend's kids, probably wouldn't hesitate to step in. But when it is a kid you don't know, you never know how their parents are going to react.

Then it is finally time to go home, and your child does not want to leave and throws a tantrum. That is always fun. When you finally get him in the car, he is SO excited about his goody bag, which is full of cheap plastic things and sugary candy. Oh joy. More sugar. And toys that will multiply as they enter your house, and will find their way into every room in your house, even as you start to surreptitiously throw things away while your child is at school.

Then it is time to start thinking about YOUR kid's upcoming birthday. You vow to make your kid's party better than the one he just attended, but your child really wants to go to Chuck E. Cheese, and they do provide everything, and you're just so worn out...